SURVERY BY CHALLENGER, GRAY AND CHRISTMAS SHOWS WORKERS ARE SICK OF SURVERYS BY CHALLENGER, GRAY AND CHRISTMAS

HOUSTON - A new study shows that American workers are sick of being told how much time they are wasting on the job. Challenger, Gray and Christmas, a Houston-based human resources consulting firm, is famous for releasing estimates of how much productivity is lost due to holidays, the NCAA tournament, and other events not related to work. Now their newest study reveals that workers are unhappy with the company's studies.
"We were slightly taken aback by this result," John Challenger said today. "87% of managers were in favor of our reports, but 94% of workers hate them."
Local administrative assistant Karenna Kern is among those who don't care for the studies. "So the peons waste twenty minutes of a work day checking on results of the basketball games. Big deal," she said. "Do you think my boss is in his office working hard all the time? I hear him goofing off a lot. One time he spent hours on killing flies, arranging them into little scenes, and emailing them to his friends. I'd like to see Challenger-Gray-whatever analyze that."
But don't count on seeing any studies of management. "I understand Ms. Kern's frustration," Challenger said. "But there's no way we're going to investigate executives. They're the ones that pay our bills."

ROETHLISBERGER'S ATTORNEY INTERVIEWS COPS PARTYING WITH BIG BEN

PITTSBURGHERS DEBATE WHICH SPORTS STAR IS WORSE

"I have daughters and Ben might have assaulted a woman," one fan says. "But Sid cost the US a gold medal."

MICHAEL VICK SENDS RESUME TO STEELERS

Cites experience as starting quarterback and "not wanted for questioning" as positive attributes

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL MOCKS BERKS COUNTY MAN WHO PREDICTED MARCH SNOWSTORM

PUNXSUTAWNEY - Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his winter den this morning to critize a Pennsylvania man who predicted a forty-inch snowstorm for March 7. Lester Moyer of Exeter Township, Berks County, says he learned to "read the sky" from his father and grandfather. He had correctly forecast the two large storms in February, 2010, and his prediction of a massive snowstorm for March set off a frenzy in winter-weary Pennsylvania.
"It's just flat-out stupid to throw out numbers," Phil said today. "When I teach my seminars for the National Weather Service, I always emphasize vagueness. Last year, they came out with a winter forecast that said there was a third chance of a mild winter, a third chance of a normal winter, and a third chance of a severe winter. You can't go wrong with that kind of statement."
"And my proclamations are general, too," the weather-predicting marmot said. "If you notice, I always stick with saying winter or Spring, and more often than not I call for more winter. That way, if Spring shows up early, no one's really mad at me." Phil declined to discuss his 2007 prediction of an early Spring, which was followed by a massive ice storm just two weeks later.
Phil said he is thinking of branching into other areas of forecasting, but don't expect him to be more specific in any case. "I've been thinking about the end of the world lately," Pennsylvania's most-popular groundhog says. "And the world may or may not end on December 12, 2012."

JAKE PAVELKA FAILS MEDICAL CHECK, LOSES PILOT'S LICENSE

Doctors blame "excessive cheesiness" for sending The Bachelor's cholesterol sky-high

SIDNEY CROSBY'S FATHER REVEALS DREAM HE HAD BEFORE SON'S BIRTH

NOVA SCOTIA - In an interview with the Canadian Broadcast Corporation, the father of Sidney Crosby said he received a "prophetic message" before his son's birth that he would be a savior of Canadian hockey.
"I know it sounds crazy - that's why I've never talked about before," Troy Crosby said today on the CBC's Sports Centre. "But Gordie Howe appeared to me in a dream and said, 'And Trina (Crosby's mother) shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name Sidney; for he shall deliver his people a gold medal and a Stanley Cup.'"
"At first the message troubled me," the elder Crosby said. "But even as a young man we marveled at his knowledge and skill. The hockey elders all gathered around him to learn from him."
Crosby said he is both excited and relieved that Canada won the Olympic gold medal, with Crosby scoring the winning goal in overtime. "I know he's gained a lot of disciples over the years, but I'm pretty sure if we had lost that game they would have crucified him."

IOC INVESTIGATING MEN'S HOCKEY TEAM CELEBRATION

Feather boas, umbrella drinks are "not what we'd like to see," IOC executive director Gilbert Felli says

VANCOUVER - The International Olympic Committee has launched an investigation of the Canadian men's hockey team for their on-ice celebration late Sunday night. The news comes one week after the Canadian women's hockey team was criticized by the IOC for celebrating with beer and cigars after their win over the United States.
About 30 minutes after the men defeated the Americans 3-2, the Canadian team returned to the ice and partied. Many players, sporting feather boas, drank Shirley Temples, brandy alexanders, and cosmopolitans. Some of the younger players also sported mani-pedis with tiny Canadian maple leaves on each nail. Bottles of perfume were dumped on players' heads as well.
"I don't think it's a good promotion of sport values," IOC director Gilbert Felli said, when told of the celebration. "Even though I didn't see it and the arena was empty at that time, we still want to dictate young people's behavior."
Most Canadians were unfazed by the celebration. "We're pretty liberal," one fan said. "And Sidney [Crosby] can do anything he wants, up to and including falling in love with a moose."