MOST PITTSBURGHERS UNAWARE OHIO RIVER SWIMMER HERE TO RAISE AWARENESS

"I don't know why these people won't admit they're just doing it for the hell of it," one resident says

BEN FRANKLIN COMES OUT OF RETIREMENT TO DEFEND TITLE OF 'GREATEST PENNSYLVANIAN'

PHILADELPHIA - An angry Benjamin Franklin said at a news conference today that he is willing to meet Arlen Specter "anytime, anywhere" if he tries to claim the title of greatest Pennsylvanian from him.
The dustup occurred after Specter's defeat in the Democratic primary for U. S. Senate last Tuesday. Once the returns were in, Governor Ed Rendell said, "With all due respect to Ben Franklin, Arlen Specter is the greatest Pennsylvanian ever. He has done more for the Commonwealth than anybody has ever done."
To Mr. Franklin, those are fighting words. "Without me and the other founding fathers, there wouldn't even be a Pennsylvania. I cozied up to the French for us. I founded libraries and came up with the idea for volunteer fire companies. I put my life on the line. And when the going got tough, I didn't just up and switch back to the Loyalist side." Franklin was apparently alluding to Sen. Specter's 2009 switch from Republican to Democrat, a move that proved to be part of his undoing.
"So any time Arlen wants to battle it out, I'm ready," Franklin said. "And I'm pretty sure I'll have most Pennsylvanians supporting me. The Republicans didn't like him, and it turned out the Democrats didn't like him either."

56 STEELERS SHOW FOR FOR FREE MEAL AT CABANA BAR

Owner declares bankruptcy; "I probably should have banned Casey Hampton along with Roethlisberger," Mark Baranowski admits

PUBLIC SAFETY WORKERS CONTINUE TO MISBEHAVE DESPITE MAYOR'S SCOLDING

FIREWORKS USED IN TIMES SQUARE CAR BOMB PURCHASED IN PA

"No wonder it was a dud," local resident Paul Chwastyk grouses. "We don't get any of the good fireworks here."

TIMES SQUARE VENDOR ARRESTED FOR SELLING COUNTERFEIT PURSES

"We appreciate that Mr. Jackson thwarted a car bombing," police commissioner Ray Kelly says, "but he also called attention to himself by reporting it."