UNATTRACTIVE WOMEN LINING UP TO HAVE AFFAIR WITH GOVERNOR

HARRISBURG - Unattractive women across the Commonwealth have started sending Governor Ed Rendell photos and suggestive notes in hopes she will be the one chosen to have an affair with him.
The influx of mail comes in the wake of an upcoming Philadelphia Magazine story that claims the Governor may have engaged in an affair with a state employee. Rendell and the woman, a former beauty queen, have both denied the affair to the magazine. Rendell later expanded upon his denial, saying such accusations are "really unfair. It's particularly unfair to attractive women. I should go out and find an unattractive woman to have an affair with."
To Polish Hill resident Karenna Kern, that's good news. "I'm 48 and I weigh 200 pounds," Kern said. "I never thought I'd get a shot at someone like him. It's like being on 'The Bachelor' without having to get in shape and all glamorous. And of course, technically, he's not a bachelor."
If the state budget does not pass by June 30, state employees may be subject to layoff. A spokesman for the Governor said employees in the governor's mailroom will be unaffected by layoffs, but declined to elaborate.
The Governor's wife was unavailable for comment.

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GUS THE GROUNDHOG STRUCK AND KILLED BY HIT-AND-RUN DRIVER

HERSHEY - Flags in the Commonwealth are at half-staff today to mourn the passing of Lottery spokesmarmot Gus the Groundhog. State Police say Gus was struck on State Route 743 in the early morning hours of June 20.
Gus was in the midstate to promote Reese's Pieces, the newest instant game from the Pennsylvania Lottery. "Gus had made his appearances in Hershey, and apparently he wanted to visit a few clubs afterwards," State Police Commander Paul Chwastyk said. "Unfortunately, he didn't quite make it across the road. We don't know if he was drunk or not, but the car that struck him should have stopped. We are actively looking for a car with brown fur and blood on the tires."
In the western end of the state, Punxsutawney Phil issued a statement of condolence. "Gus was a clear second in popularity to me, but when one of us goes down, all of us feel it," Phil said. "You never know what those crazy Pennsylvania drivers are going to do. That's why I stay inside and have a bunch of guys take care of me."
Department of Conservation and Natural Resources Director Bob Brenneman agreed that roads aren't the best place for groundhogs. "They're not the fastest animals in the woods," Brenneman said. "They try to make up for being slow by having a lot of offspring, but even the young ones can't duck and weave very well."
Gus is survived by his mother and a girlfriend, both of whom had appeared in television commercials with him. Gus' mother has retained the services of attorney R. Carmen Angina of Angina & Rover in Harrisburg for a possible wrongful death suit.

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