ROETHLISBERGER'S NAME INSURED FOR $1.50

SOUTH SIDE - Lloyd's of London has insured Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger's name for $1.50, officials said today. The announcement came shortly after the company had insured fellow teammate Troy Polamalu's hair for $1 million.
"Mr. Roethlisberger approached us late last year about us insuring him," chief executive Robert Brenneman said from London. "Our initial estimate was that his good name was worth at least $5 million. After all, he'd won two football championships - or at least what you Yanks call football."
"But then he was accused of rape," Brenneman continued, "and his stock went way, way down. I'm just glad our risk management people had delayed the contract - we would have taken a bath on that one."
But Lloyd's will not shy away from all the Steelers. "Casey Hampton, no. Jeff Reed, probably not. But we'd be more than happy to cover Hines Ward or Aaron Smith. And if Troy wants us to insure any or all other body parts, we'd definitely do that for him."

NEW POLL SHOWS MORE PITTSBURGHERS IN FAVOR OF NUCLEAR POWER

Shift most pronounced among South Hills commuters

AFTER BEING CURSED BY REFEREE, REPLAY OFFICIAL GRABS BEER, DEPLOYS SLIDE, LEAVES HEINZ FIELD

POLL: 87% OF OHIOANS SAY ROETHLISBERGER CAN DENY BEING FROM THE STATE, TOO

MAN DENIED NAME CHANGE TO 'BOOMER THE DOG' FILES NEW PETITION

Now wants to be called 'Judge S. Stupid;' legal experts doubt name will be allowed

PITTSBURGH WOMAN ON JETBLUE FLIGHT DENIES CURSING, ADMITS CALLING FLIGHT ATTENDANT 'A JAGOFF'

"I guarantee you that guy has been called a jagoff before, or some regional variation of that," irate passenger says

HIGHLAND PARK - The woman at the center of the JetBlue controversy has come forward, saying she has been unfairly targeted. Bethany Jacobs was the passenger whose luggage fell on flight attendant Steven Slater, but, she says, he blew it completely out of proportion.
"Yes, my carry-on fell on him. But it fell," Jacobs says. "It's not like I threw it at him. Then he wanted an apology from me. I thought about saying, 'I'm sorry you are such an a******,' but I decided to use the all-purpose 'jagoff' remark instead."
It's at that point that Slater, in her words, "went apeshit. Maybe he's never heard that word. Maybe it means something different in Queens. But that's when he started cursing over the intercom about me. Then he just went whoosh out of the plane."
Jacobs doesn't understand why Slater has become a folk hero of sorts. "I'm the victim here. I run into flight attendants like him all the time. It's amazing how the airline industry has so many jagoffs."

LOCAL WOMAN HORRIFIED BY PLUMBING FIXTURE

"It's obscene," homeowner says

BETHEL PARK - When Karenna Kern's basement faucet started to leak and a coworker offered to fix it, she got more than she bargained for.
"The faucet was old, and when I tried to turn it off, it kept dripping. Pretty soon it just started spinning around completely, and I couldn't shut it off at all. I told Bob, one of the guys at work, about the problem and he offered to fix it for me so I wouldn't have to hire a plumber."
What she wasn't prepared for was the end result. "He left, and when I walked down to the basement I was assaulted by...that thing," she said. "It's disgusting. I called Bob, and he started laughing immediately. He says I need to get my mind out of the gutter, but he's the one who set it up."
Bob, who declined to give his last name, defends his work. "With that new valve I put on, the water sprays out. You need a hose on it for good water flow. It's not my fault she misinterpreted it."
Kern's neighbor was equally horrified. "Karenna called me right away and told me to come over," friend Sue Messner says. "As soon as I saw it, I thought, 'Only a man would come up with that.' It's bad enough that old guys run around the neighborhood in thin red shorts -- Karenna and I have discussed that many times -- but now even if she stays indoors she can't escape being assaulted."
Bob offers no apology. "What does she want for free? If she had had to hire a plumber, I'm sure she'd be complaining about his butt crack. It's just the way she thinks."