I AM GETTING WAY TOO MANY BLOG READERS FROM CLEVELAND

COMMENTARY - Matthew 13:57 says, "A prophet is not without honor, save in his own country." So it is with Mockingburgh, which lately has gotten ten times more hits from Cleveland than from our fair city.

This all started with my ongoing coverage of the Steelers, and the controversial call at the end of the Pittsburgh-Miami game. On that same weekend, the Browns beat Super Bowl champion New Orleans Saints. While you'd think the fan message boards would be celebrating that fact, they were more obsessed with the referee's call for the Steelers. Someone linked to my photo of Steelers fans lining the streets to welcome Gene Steratore home, and - voila - lots o' hits from Cleveland.

Don't let this happen again, Pittsburgh. You can do better than Cleveland. We beat them on the football field, and we can beat them on web traffic, too.

LOCAL KIDS WARN AGAINST HANDING OUT CARROTS AS HALLOWEEN TREATS

PITTSBURGH -- A coalition of youngsters from all parts of the area warned of "severe consequences" if local residents hand out carrots instead of candy this weekend. The fun-sized portions of "Scarrots" were dreamed up by carrot producers and marketing executives as a healthy alternative to chocolates, candy corn, and popcorn balls for Halloween trick-or-treating.

"Yuck. Let me repeat - yuck," said Bobby Brenneman, a 12-year-old from Wilmerding who spoke for a group of boys and girls with him at a press conference today. "It figures our parents came up with this idea. They got candy when they were little, and they even say people handed out full-size bars then. But when it's our turn, they want to change the rules."

When asked what would happen to people who give out the vegetables, Brenneman was direct. "We'll be back later that night," he said. "You can expect your house to be TP'd, and I wouldn't rule out burning bags of poo at your front door." Several girls standing behind Bobby covered their mouths and giggled at the mention of the word "poo."

Other frowned-upon treats, according to the coalition, are toothbrushes, pennies, and apples, "unless they are candied or caramel-covered," Bobby continued. "All we want is our fair share of candy. Drop treats into our bags and we'll be on our way. And if you want us to leave you alone all year, you might want to consider full-size bars."

REPORT: STEELERS' CHARTER PLANE WAS HELD ON RUNWAY WHILE DOLPHINS' LAWYERS TRIED TO OVERTURN RULING

"Tomlin may have had the buses warmed up, but he forgot about the plane," attorney says


MIAMI - A report on Blogger! Sports claims that South Florida air traffic control and attorneys for the Miami Dolphins conspired to keep the Steelers' plane from departing while the lawyers tried to file briefs with the federal courts.

A controversial call near the end of the game gave the ball back to the Steelers despite a Roethlisberger fumble and apparent recovery by the Dolphins. The Steelers kicked a field goal on the next play, resulting in the final score of 23-22. In the locker room, Steelers coach Mike Tomlin had his players hurry to board the buses and leave the stadium before the ruling could be changed.

"It's outrageous," Dolphin attorney R. Carmen Angina of Angina & Rover says. "You had a Pittsburgh native [referee Gene Steratore] making a call for his hometown team. It's a clear conflict of interest, and the courts should have overturned it. But by the time we were retained, we had trouble locating a judge, and the air traffic controllers ran out of reasons to keep them here."

"We're still thinking of filing a lawsuit for infliction of emotional distress, so anyone who feels aggrieved should contact our law firm."

Dolphins' management and coaching staff is already taking steps to address the problems that arose last Sunday. "We'll be prepared at future home games," head coach Tony Sparano said today. "We'll have our lawyers on hand from now on, and we might set up our own court like they have in the Eagles' stadium."

"Or maybe we'll just find a few players who can score touchdowns. We get in the end zone on both of those first two fumble recoveries, and all this would be moot."

STEELERS FANS LINE THE STREETS TO WELCOME HOME REFEREE GENE STERATORE

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: WEEK 7

Winners: Hines Ward, Emmanuel Sanders, the guys in the replay booth, the two officials who live in Pittsburgh

Losers: Whiny Dolphins fans, the Steelers' pass rush, Ben Roethlisberger

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: WHAT'S THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS PHOTOGRAPH?

A) Knee socks not a good look on adult women.

B) In a sea of bad fashion choices, the black mesh/pink bra combo stands out.

C) The guy.

D) The NFL's attempt to make up for objectifying women by promoting breast cancer awareness.

E) All of the above.

PITTSBURGH TOP AMERICAN CITY FOR CARDINALS

Baltimore #1 for orioles, Toronto leads internationally in blue jays

STUDY SHOWS INCREASED RISK OF DYING FROM SITTING AT DESK

Risk of death for standees: 100%
Risk of death for sittees: 118%

COUNTY TESTS SMOKE SIGNALS BEFORE ELECTION OF GOVERNOR

White smoke to rise from courthouse if Onorato is elected; black smoke will appear if he loses

LOCAL WOMAN CAN'T STOP JUDGING PLANET FITNESS FOR MISSPELLING 'JUDGMENT'

HAMPDEN TOWNSHIP - When retired 5th-grade teacher Susie Messner walks into her local Planet Fitness, she immediately starts judging. But it's not the people working out she's looking at -- it's the misspelling of "judgment" all over the gym.

"It's everywhere," Messner complained. "They have it all over their advertising, walls, and almost every piece of equipment. You'd think someone would have proofread their stuff before they sent it out."

Messner knows the word well, since it was part of the fifth-grade curriculum. "Yes, it's tricky because you leave the 'e' out, but that's why we gave out spelling lists to study. That's why we gave tests. Most eleven-year-olds get it eventually. There are only a few students I can remember who never got it right - I called them lunkheads."

Oddly enough, Planet Fitness has 'lunk alarms,' which sound when members drop weights, grunt, or exhibit other frowned-upon behaviors. "Well, I guess I know what happened to the lunkheads," Messner said. "They went on to make signage for Planet Fitness."

UNDERCOVER BOSS PROMISES TO RESTORE 10% PAY CUTS TO AIRLINE WORKERS

"By 2013," Frontier CEO Brian Bedford says, "our employees will be back to the amount of money they were making in 2008."

QUIETNESS OF STEELERS BAR ATTRIBUTED TO EXCESS NUMBER OF PRESBYTERIANS

NEW CUMBERLAND, PA -- Cookley's Bar, a Steelers hangout, was deathly quiet Sunday, despite the free flow of liquor and a game against the Browns. Bar patrons and managers blamed local Protestants in attendance for the muted reactions to the interceptions, sacks, long gains and touchdowns that occurred.

"I've been to a lot of Steelers bars all over the place, and usually they're pretty rowdy," barfly Karenna Kern said today. "But not here. You can hear a pin drop in here. I couldn't even get a good 'Here We Go Steelers/Cleveland Sucks' chant going - and we were playing the Brownies."

One of those Presbyterians keeping it down was Jack Thompson. "We're not a showy church," Thompson said. "A quiet prayer and some old-time hymns are all we need, and I guess it just carries over from Sunday morning to Sunday afternoon."

So why go to a bar at all? "Now, I didn't say we were opposed to drinking," Thompson said. "I go to Fourth Presbyterian, and as we always say, where's there's a Fourth Presbyterian, there's a fifth," he said, chuckling softly.

Cookley's bartender Paul Chwastyk said managers will try to liven up the place with polka music, Steelers highlights on video, and bigger crowds. "Maybe we'll try to bring in a few evangelicals," the bartender said. "They're pretty vocal. But we'd probably sell a lot less booze.

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: WEEK 6

Winners: Mike Wallace, Lawrence Timmons, Colt McCoy, Cleveland's punter

Losers: The entire first half, Steelers' throwback uniforms, Ben Roethlisberger, all things Cleveland

"HE WAS DOING PRETTY GOOD, UP UNTIL HE WENT THROUGH THE BUILDING"

Actual quote from Collier police chief about a driver who had just taken his driving test; we humbly admit we cannot make this any funnier.

HOUSEROCKERS FAN IRRITATED THAT SPRINGSTEEN IS 'BUTTING IN' ON BAND'S NOVEMBER SHOWS

SOUTH SIDE --- Longtime Houserockers fan Karenna Kern said today that she's "not happy" that Bruce Springsteen will appear with the band at their November 4 and 5 shows at Soldiers and Sailors Hall.

"The Houserockers are awesome on their own. What do they need him for? Springsteen'll probably want to sing crap like 'Born to Run' instead of classics like 'Old Man Bar' and 'There'll Never Be Enough Time.' I might be able to tolerate him if he still lived in Jersey, but he sold out and moved to California. Our guys are still here in town, working hard, playing gigs, and cheering for the Steelers."

The forty-something Kern said she's been a fan since she was a teenager. "I took my records to college with me in the 80's," Kern continued. "One of my roommates told me I talked just like Joe [Grushecky]. Yeah, I graduated Phi Kappa Phi and got into all kinds of honor societies, but that compliment was one of the highlights of my Cornell career."

Kern will probably attend the show, though. "It'll be great to see the band," she says. "And it'll give me a chance to boo Bruce."

RAVENS' LEWIS SAYS HE AND FAVRE STAY IN TOUCH

"It's just like I did with Ben [Roethlisberger]. We text each other now that he's going through what he's going through. I'm there for him," the linebacker says. "But damn, these quarterbacks need to learn to keep it in their pants."

NAKED MAN ATTENDS OBAMA RALLY

Secret Service says President was never in danger because "we had screened him for weapons before he came in"

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: WEEK 4

Winners: Everyone involved in Pittsburgh's 93-yard drive for a touchdown

Losers: Everyone involved Pittsburgh's final offensive drive; Ben Roethlisberger