MOCKINGBURGH POLL: WILL YOU BE ATTENDING BEN ROETHLISBERGER'S WEDDING?

13% - Not sure; haven't been to the mailbox today

87% - Already RSVP'd to William and Kate's wedding

LET'S CALL AN EARLY END TO FEBRUARY

COMMENTARY - Today I am asking Congress to put aside their work on small matters like the budget and health care and declare an end to February. You wouldn't think the shortest month of the year would be so slow, but it is.

The month started off well enough, with the Steelers heading for the Super Bowl and Punxsutawney Phil declaring an early Spring. But then the Steelers played badly against Green Bay, and we will have to live with the loss for a long time. The Vatican then decided to pile on by declaring a shrine to the Virgin Mary...in Green Bay. Then President Obama piled on by praising Cleveland, of all places.

After a few nice days of weather, we got another eight inches of snow; Phil refused to comment. James Harrison had back surgery. Sidney Crosby might not play again this season, and Malkin is gone. Mario Lemieux threatens to walk away from hockey for good. The Pirates reported for Spring training in their quest for a 19th consecutive losing season while Bob Nutting laughs all the way to the bank with an MLB revenue-sharing check.

And then, on top of all that, I turned 48 while my twin sister tries to decide what age she is going to claim to be.

I'm sure everyone reading this could add their tales of woe. So call your Senator and Representative and demand a change to March. It has its ups and downs in weather and it's 31 days long, but at least it has a drinking holiday in it.

PIRATES OWNERS SAYS EXPECTATIONS ARE HIGH FOR 2011 SEASON

In a related move, team to issue rose-colored glasses to all fans on Opening Day

SUDDEN DEATH AND REMOVAL OF NATIONAL CHRISTMAS TREE FUELS CONSPIRACY THEORIES

"If the wind was blowing from the northwest, why did the tree fall directly west?" asks forensic pathologist Cyril Wecht. "That is one magic wind."

WASHINGTON, DC - The sudden death and chipping of the National Christmas Tree, along with the announcement of a replacement tree just a few hours later, is fueling speculation that the tree did not merely fall, but was murdered.

February 19 was a windy day in the nation's capital, according to Bill Line, a spokesman for the National Park Service. "The tree fell at 10:55 am," he said, "and yes, it made a sound." Within hours, the Park Service had hauled in a chipper, reduced the Pennsylvanian-born spruce to mulch, and announced that a new tree had already been selected.

That quick action has created doubts. Forensic pathologist Cyril Wecht, an expert in the death of John F. Kennedy and Anna Nicole Smith, is among those with questions. "Why were they [the Park Service] so quick to get rid of the body? Why didn't they have an autopsy done by qualified arborists?"

Photos of the scene also trouble Wecht. "The wind was coming from the northwest, but the tree fell due west," he said. "How does that happen? It's like some magic wind came swirling and tumbling down."

On the Mall, several mourners thought there could be a conspiracy. "They say every President gets three free killings," said Jack Dammer, who was visiting from Ohio. "I don't know why Obama would want to have this tree killed, unless he's got something against Pennsylvania or blue spruces. Maybe he wants to install a tree from Hawaii, if that's where he's really from."

"Besides, when have you every heard of government being so efficient that they see a problem in the morning and have it all fixed up by early afternoon? It's just not logical. This thing was planned."

The Park Service has not commented on the speculation, but acknowledges that there may be a Congressional hearing. "I'll tell you what," Dammer said, "if there's an investigation into this, and Arlen Specter is on the committee, we'll know for sure that the fix is in."

BALDWIN MAN VOWS TO BE MORE HUMBLE, DONS SACKCLOTH AND ASHES

Neighbors now complaining he's "getting the streets dirty" with the ashes

BALDWIN BOROUGH - A local man's attempt to make amends with his neighbors appears to have backfired, as they are now complaining that he is dirtying the street. Carl Behr had erected a lighted cross on his roof in January, and then a larger, 24-foot cross on his property on Feb. 6. Neighbors complained about the lights, and Behr was ordered to remove it. Although he first vowed to keep it, he later said he would take it down.

"I need to be more humble about this," Behr said today. "I need to find a different way to get my message out. And to show you how serious I am, I have decided to don sackcloth and ashes. I hope my neighbors will take this outward sign as a symbol of my penitence."

But one neighbor isn't too charitable. "First it was his contracting equipment on the street and around his house. Then it was the big cross," said Lisa Fera, who lives across from Behr. "Now he's walking around all grimy and ratty-looking. He is leaving ashes all over the place. And as windy as it's been, it's flying all over the place. My whole living room seems like it's covered in soot."

When told of his neighbor's comments, Behr sighed and offered to vacuum Ms. Fera's house. "I'll go get my shop vac," he said.

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: WHAT DID YOU THINK OF OPRAH'S SHOW WITH IYANLA VANZANT?

13% - It was an insightful conversation about why they stopped working together

87% - Glad Oprah avoided getting on that crazy train

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE HITS NEWSSTANDS

Magazine features the only 17 women in America not currently flabby or pale

GABBY BREAKS UP WITH GUS THE GROUNDHOG, CALLS HIM 'A CHEAP BASTARD'

"All he ever gets me is lottery tickets, and I'm pretty sure he gets those for free," ex-girlfriend says

CAMP HILL - It was an unhappy Valentine's Day for Gus the Groundhog this year, as long-time girlfriend Gabby broke up with him. The couple had met on a blind date three years ago and had been dating ever since.

"I just couldn't stand him anymore," Gabby said today. "We had some fun in the beginning, like going to the Poconos and out to dinner. But as time went on, he got more and more lazy. This year he said we'd just stay home for Valentine's; I thought it'd be romantic, but when I got there, he was wearing his ratty old green-striped sweater that he knows I hate. And then he hands me a bowl of popcorn."

And don't get her started on gifts. "All I ever got was scratch-off lottery tickets. He gets those as part of his job [as Lottery spokesman]. It'd would have been OK if some of them were winners, but they weren't. He'd just laugh and tell me to enter the second-chance drawing. Well, I want a second chance with someone else, please."

Gabby admits that, deep down, she knew the relationship wasn't going anywhere. "Anytime I wanted to talk about our future, he would say he had to go hibernate. My biological clock is ticking, and if he doesn't want to commit, I have to find someone else. Anybody know how to get to Punxsutawney?"

Gus was unavailable for comment, but he was reportedly seen heading for his mother's house.

15-YEAR-OLD GAMBLER SAYS HE WASN'T KICKED OUT OF CASINO UNTIL HE STARTED WINNING

"They're just mad because I came up with a great system," now-banned teen says


NORTH SIDE - The unidentified teen at the center of an underage gambling controversy has come forward to say "no one cared" he was playing slot machines until he started winning big at Rivers Casino on January 1. The controversy came to light last week when the Pennsylvania Gaming Control Board fined the casino $105,000 for allowing the teen and several other minors on the gambling floor in recent months.

"Look, I'm a 98-pound geek," Bobby Brenneman said. "There's no way they couldn't tell I was under 21. But at first I was losing, so they just walked past me."

But being a geek had its advantages. "I started noticing patterns on the screen. I saw which machines were paying off most often. You know how casino operators say there's no truth to the legend that machines close to the aisle pay off more? They're lying. I know exactly how things work now, and it only took about an hour to figure it out."

Unfortunately for Brenneman, that's when casino officials moved in. "I was up $8,400 when they told me and my Mom we had to leave, and they took all our money," he said. "But that's OK. And it's OK that they banned me for life. I'll do OK without gambling. I am now offering a foolproof system for playing slots for the low, low price of $99.95, plus shipping and handling," Brenneman says. "Of course, my results are not typical and you may not have the same success."

TOMLIN VOWS TO WIN 'COACH OF THE YEAR' TITLE NEXT SEASON

"If I have to wear cut-off sweatshirts, cheat, and lose our first game of the playoffs, I can meet that standard," Steelers coach says

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF GUS THE GROUNDHOG'S GIRLFRIEND?

87% - Wow, she is FUGLY

13% - You can do better, dude

SUPER BOWL SETS RECORD WITH 111 MILLION VIEWERS

84 million viewers too depressed to watch 'Glee' after the game

PITTSBURGHERS FORM HUMAN WALL TO PREVENT RENOIR PAINTING FROM BEING TAKEN TO MILWAUKEE

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: SUPER BOWL EDITION

Winners: Old guys Hines Ward and Antwaan Randle El for showing some heart

Losers: Turnover, turnover, turnover, trying the long field goal, Keyaron Fox, Ben Roethlisberger

LOCAL LAGOMORPH OVERDOES IT WHILE CELEBRATING YEAR OF THE RABBIT

STEELERS FANS UNEASY AS PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL FAILS TO MAKE SUPER BOWL PREDICTION

Marmot had predicted the win over Arizona, but was silent on upcoming game with Green Bay