TODAY I OFFICIALLY RETIRE AS A STEELER

With all the hoopla over today's retirement of Kordell Stewart as a Steeler, many of you probably missed my announcement that I, too, will retire from the football team, effective immediately.

Sure, I never played a down in my life. But if Stewart can announce his retirement ten years after he left the Steelers and seven years after he last played at all, why not me?

Why pick now to get on with my life's work? I could say my media obligations are taking more of my time, but I have to admit this is mostly about fashion. I try to be stylish, and I simply cannot pull on the "bumblebee" jerseys and striped socks that the Steelers will wear in the 2012-2013 season. It's bad enough that I will have to look at them; I just can't bring myself to wear them.

So, it's not a closure in a negative way, it's closure in a positive way...I had a great time doing it. It's about the experience.

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: THE BAIERL ACURA FRAUD CASE

On Monday, the family of former Baierl Acura controller Patricia Smith forfeited items purchased with the $10.3 million she embezzled. Items turned over to the government included a Dodge Challenger, Honda Pilot, houses, a sewing machine, religious objects, and jewelry. What do you think about this?

A) I noticed none of the cars were Acuras.

B) They would have to pry my sewing machine out of my cold, dead hands.

C) I would feel too guilty buying religious objects with stolen money.

D) Will the emerald necklace be up for public auction, by any chance?

E) She should have saved  a few bucks for herself to use on hair color.

PENNDOT ADMITS ERROR IN SOUTH HILLS REPAIR WORK: PEOPLE STILL GETTING THROUGH

"We're not meeting our benchmarks for road rage incidents, business closures and frustration," spokesman admits


HARRISBURG - PennDOT officials are re-doubling their efforts to bring South Hills traffic to a grinding halt after a study showed drivers are still managing to get around the area.

An almost-unprecedented number of road closures, repairs and paving projects have tied up traffic from South Park all the way to Route 51. Although traffic is delayed, drivers continue to make their way to and from work, school, and recreational activities. This has PennDOT officials mystified.

"We don't just work on projects and evaluate them at the end," PennDOT spokesman Jack Dammer said today. "We check to see how effective we are at ruining everything.  Not only have there been no business closures, drivers are remaining calm  -- they're even waving other drivers into line ahead of them. It's crazy."

PennDOT will review other projects that have created more headaches, including Rte. 28 and Ohio River Boulevard, and make adjustments within the next two weeks.

"You'd think we'd have the system perfected by now," Dammer admitted. "But rest assured we'll get the whole area tied up in knots yet. We know what Pennsylvanians expect from PennDOT."

SOUTH PARK ATHLETE SETS NATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL RECORD IN JAVELIN

In other news, local police report "some sort of a spear" landing in Baldwin backyard

A. C. MILAN SENDS OUT NEW TWEET CLARIFYING 'PITTSBURG' SOCCER MATCH ANNOUNCEMENT

No 'H,' no PA. We're going to KS! Or maybe it's CA.

STATE HOUSE TAKES TIME OUT OF ITS BUSY CORRUPTION SCHEDULE TO HONOR HINES WARD

Speaker Sam Smith shows former Steelers receiver "all the cool campaign work we did" with taxpayer money

ATTENTION PENN STATE AND HEALTH DEPARTMENT 'EXPERTS:' A YEAR WITH EVEN ONE TICK CONSTITUTES A BAD YEAR

COMMENTARY - Monday's Post-Gazette published an article pooh-poohing the idea that this year will be especially bad for ticks. They quoted a Penn State Extension agent and county health department official who said there's no solid evidence that more ticks survived the mild winter this year.

How much do you want to bet they were sitting in a tick-free office when they were talking to the reporter?  It's easy to downplay them when you're not outside. Meanwhile, I had two ticks in three days last week.

The public is right to want to call out the National Guard to annihilate the disgusting buggers, an idea which Bill Todaro of the health department mocks.  I think I speak for the masses when I say it's time to deal with the terrorists in our own backyards. The only good tick is a dead tick, and the sooner Penn State and the Health Department figures that out the better.

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: WHAT IS JASON ALTMIRE THINKING AS HE STANDS BEHIND MARK CRITZ?

A) "Mark Critz deserves all of our support and all of our respect."

 B) "@!*?%?$$%&**"

 C) "Two years, buddy, two years....

BUTLER MAN REFUSES TO REVEAL LOCATION OF ILLEGAL WALLABY

Game Commission believes Australian native may be using the name "Kenny Kangaroo" and attempting to gain access to local amusement park

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: WHO ARE OBAMA'S CHIEF ADVISORS?

13% - I assume it's his cabinet

 87% - Apparently it's Sasha and Malia

GAME COMMISSION TO MEET IN EMERGENCY SESSION, OUTLAW IN THE USE OF CATS IN DEER SEASON