US AIRWAYS CALLS CAPT. SULLENBERGER OUT OF RETIREMENT FOR WATER LANDINGS AT LA GUARDIA

NCAA ORDERS PENN STATE TO VACATE FOOTBALL GRADUATION RATE

Graduations wiped out back to 1998; "We can't keep criticizing their 'football-first culture' as long as they have that 91% graduation statistic," NCAA President Mark Emmert says

STATE CLOSES OFFICES DUE TO HURRICANE, BUT LIQUOR STORES REMAIN OPEN

Employees ready to suggest best wine pairings for candlelight and PB&J sandwiches

MOST COMMON REACTION TO STEELERS' THROWBACK UNIFORMS: AVERTING EYES, TURNING AWAY

EAST COAST RESIDENTS DEBATE WHETHER AD NAUSEUM STORM COVERAGE IS WORSE THAN AD NASEUM ELECTION COVERAGE

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: THE SPRINGSTEEN RALLY FOR OBAMA

People attending the Obama rally at Soldiers and Sailors Hall last Saturday were each given a list of eight phone numbers to call to get out the vote for the president. What do you think was the most commonly said message?

A) "Vote Obama. Nah, you don't need ID now."

B) "I'm just pretending to make campaign calls, Mom."

B) "Is your refrigerator running?"

C) "What are you wearing?"

D) "I wanted to see Bruce, but I'm voting for Romney."

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: WHAT SHOULD BE PENNSYLVANIA'S MOTTO?

13% - "Virtue, Liberty, and Independence"

87% - "We Go for It on Fourth Downs"

PA HEALTH SECRETARY ELI AVILA RESIGNS TO "PURSUE OTHER INTERESTS"

Governor Corbett "wishes him well in all his future endeavors;" governor's statement did not include phrases like "I regret his departure," "dedicated service" or "exciting endeavors."

EMPLOYEES DEBATE WHETHER CURRENT PROJECT IS BOSS' MOST ASININE EVER

"He should just put his money in a pile and burn it," one employee said. "It would save us all a lot of work, and he'd end up with the same result."


HARRISBURG, PA - The employees of R. A. Nursery wondered aloud today if their boss, Richard "Dick" Angelo, had finally come up with the most asinine project he'd ever attempted.

The project involves digging existing plants from one area and moving them to create landscapes for houses that don't exist. Angelo hopes to build the houses in between the plants at some undetermined point in the future, despite having alienated all the local banks, builders, and government officials he needs to work with him.

"He's had some doozies before, but he may have reached his peak of asininity, if that's even a word," nursery employee Jack Dammer said today.

But others disagree. "I've been here a long time, and this doesn't even rank in the top ten," said another nursery worker, who asked not to be named Paul. "There was the time he wanted the gardeners to bicycle from place to place to save gas, not even thinking about hills and having to haul stuff. He's transplanted stuff by barely digging holes and then just kicking mulch around it. He plants in rocks and then doesn't water anything. Or he leaves water running all night long. It's a good thing we know how to laugh, because otherwise we'd all be crying. Or drinking even more than we already are."

Regardless of  how the debate eventually settles out, Dammer has a firm opinion already.  "He should just put his money in a pile and burn it," he said. "It would save all of us a lot of work, and he'd end up with the same result."