LIQUOR CONTROL BOARD EXTENDS HOURS OF 102 PENNSYLVANIA-OWNED STATE STORES

"The kids are back in school...you have time for another drink now. Our stores are open extended hours for you convenience."

KENNYWOOD SCIENTIST TO PUBLISH SCHOLARLY WORK ON COIN LOSS IN AMUSEMENT PARKS

WEST MIFFLIN - The October issue of The Journal of Applied Physics will feature a Pittsburgh professor and Pittsburgh's favorite amusement park.

Dr. Jack Dammer, who has a joint appointment at both Carnegie Mellon and Kennywood, had a "eureka" moment when he saw a Kennywood gardener crawl under a bench to retrieve a penny. "I realized there were so many forces at work in found money in parks," he said. "I started making notes right away."

Dammer identified three different physical forces at work for losing money. The most common, he says, is gravity. "Money just falls off of people. Look under any bench or food area. Usually it's the lighter-weight coins like pennies and dimes,  but hey - money's money."

The second force occurs only in the early-morning hours. "There's no special physics behind it, though. It's just the time they wash down the park with high-pressure hoses. The pounds of water pressure overcome the friction with the ground, and the coins gain kinetic energy. That gets converted back into potential energy when they hit curbs or trash cans. So I always check around the edges as soon as the hose guys finish a section of the park."

But the most lucrative area is around the park's famous roller coasters. "People think they've safely secured their items, but they just don't realize the centrifugal forces on them," he said. "Or is it centripetal? I can never keep those straight. At any rate, I 'did the math' on the forces and the mass of each coin, and it creates a graph of exactly where the coins are most likely to fall onto the ground. I'm getting a couple of bucks every single day."

Journal editor Sheldon Hofstetter praised Dammer's column. "The most elegant ideas often come from simple observations," he said. "Dr. Dammer has discovered an important aspect of our world. Other scientists can build on this theory -- and I suspect you're going to find a lot more physicists in American amusement parks next season, and they're all going to be trolling for cash."

MOCKINGBURGH SURVEY: THE STEELERS-REDSKINS PRESEASON GAME

Monday night, the Steelers lost to the Washington Redskins, 24-13, in their second preseason game. What was their most worrisome aspect of the game?

A) Once again, settling for field goals instead of touchdowns

B) Stupid and numerous penalties

C) Don't know; I was watching the Pirates game

D) Hey, didn't you ask the exact same thing last week?

CITY, STATE POLICE PLAN RESPONSE TO PIRATES POSSIBLY GOING OVER .500 FOR FIRST TIME IN TWENTY YEARS

"We anticipate some wild celebrations when the Pirates reach 81 wins, " state police commander says. "Of course, if they keep losing like they have lately, the planning may be moot."

DOWNTOWN - City and state police have been meeting since the All-Star break in anticipation of raucous celebrations of the Pirates' first winning season in 20 years. Officials hope to avoid rioting that has plagued many other sports cities, win or lose, in recent years.

"We are flying blind on this one," State Police Commander Bob Brenneman said today. "It's really hard to figure what Pirates fans will do with 20 years of pent-up frustration."

No such planning is done for the Steelers, Brenneman said. "I won't say people have become blase, but after six Super Bowl wins, I think there's more of a quiet satisfaction with Steelers fans. We don't even bother gearing up for that - we just stay home and watch the game along with everybody else."

Brenneman also thinks it's possible that the 81-win mark may just pass quietly. "There's been a lot of talk about making the playoffs, so maybe people will hold off till then," he said. "But then again, if they keep going with this losing streak, we may not have to worry about any celebrations at all."

ANDY WARHOL BRIDGE CALLS NEW OUTFIT "GARISH"

Span says it would have preferred a simple black turtleneck

MOCKINGBURGH SURVEY: THE STEELERS-GIANTS PRESEASON GAME

Saturday night, the Steelers lost to the New York Giants, 18-13, in their first preseason game. What was the most worrisome aspect of the game?

A) Once again, settling for field goals instead of touchdowns

B) Special teams mistakes

C) Stupid and numerous penalties

D) Don't know; I was watching the Pirates game 

PENNDOT TREATS PENGUIN WITH KID GLOVES

 McCANDLESS - PennDOT patrons were surprised today when a penguin walked in for a license renewal, and were even more surprised when the flightless bird was escorted to the front of the line.

PennDOT spokesman Jan McKnight confirmed that front-of-the-line decisions are based on the need to keep control and minimize chaos. "If they walk in and the place goes crazy with fans, we would just move them in and out," she said. "And who wouldn't want a picture with one of those cuties?"

Reaction among Duncan Manor office patrons was more mixed. "I can see why they need to drive since they can't fly," said South Park resident  Sherry Davis. "But it creates a double standard that says a penguin is more important than the average human."

Ironically, among those left cooling their heels while the bird was served first was Penguins' captain Sidney Crosby, who was there to renew his license. "If this is the way it's going to be every four years, I might go back home for a Canadian license," the superstar said. "But up there, they give preference to moose and polar bears, and they are super-picky about how their pictures come out and demand a lot of re-takes. For me, as long as my teeth are in, I'm happy."