GULF TOWER'S PEREGRINE FALCON 'NOT IMPRESSED' WITH BALD EAGLE'S THREE EGGS

"When she gets to 42 actual chicks like I have had, you let me know," said Dorothy, who had been Pittsburgh's favorite bird of prey until recently

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: THE MT. GOX BITCOIN CONTROVERSY

On Tuesday, the Mt. Gox exchange for crypto-currency BitCoin suddenly shut down. What do you think about this?

13% - What the hell are you talking about?

87% - This is why I invest my money in tulip bulbs only

FIRST EAGLE EGG NOT AT ALL EXCITED ABOUT GETTING A NEW BROTHER OR SISTER

BAGEL SHOP ANNOUNCES SPECIAL SALE TODAY

All lightly-charred items 50% off while supplies last

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: THE HAYS BALD EAGLE LAYS AN EGG

On Wednesday, the Game Commission announced that the bald eagle that has been nesting in the Hays area has laid her first egg of the year. What do you think about this?

13% - Finally, a sign of Spring

87% - USA! USA!

BITTER, TIRED SNOW SHOVELING CREWS ARE CRITICAL OF YOU, TOO

"Why the *@#!!$ are you out in an eight-inch snow storm?" grouses one worker. "And by all means, please park in the middle of a lot we're trying to plow."

HERSHEY - Next time you complain about a snowy sidewalk or difficulty getting into 'your' parking spot, snow removal crews are complaining just as much about you. That's the message from a Hershey-area landscape nursery that has been battered by a long string of winter storms and ice.

"I don't know if these people are morons year-round or if it just comes out in winter," said Rick, one member of a three-man crew responsible for clearing a corporate research center. "I don't even want to be out here, but some yahoo has an idea about shaving half a cent off production costs and he's gotta drive in.  #@$%?! idiot. Is that half-cent going to matter when you're in a @#@$?!! ditch?"

His co-worker Izzy agreed. "On one of these storms -- and I can't exactly remember which one since I'm not even sure what day today is -- I saw a woman walk in with bare ankles and high heels. That's just stupid. Not only is it stupid for this kind of weather,  it's a fashion Don't. It totally made her look shorter."  It just proved, she said, that "She's one of the many dumbasses here."

The nursery personnel have several coping mechanisms, including challenging the record for the number of f-bombs dropped in a two-hour period; that record is currently held by the movie 'The Wolf of Wall Street.' Workers also like to use their radios to discuss plowing cars in up to their doors. "Unfortunately, our company logos are plastered all over the trucks, so we can't do that," Rick said. "But that would be sweet as chocolate. Maybe we can have some fake signs made up before winter ends, slap 'em onto the plows, and go to town. I'm sure we'll have a few more opportunities the way it's been going for us this year."

AND THAT FINAL SCORE FROM TODAY'S USA - RUSSIA HOCKEY GAME: FREEDOM 1, COMMUNISTS 0

"HEY! I HAVE AN IDEA - IF YOU SCRATCH MY BACK, I'LL SCRATCH YOURS"

MOCKINGBURGH SURVEY: WHAT WOULD IT TAKE TO GET YOU TO CALL OFF FROM WORK?

On Wednesday, Bob Costas announced that he will step aside from Olympics coverage after suffering from pink-eye since he arrived in Russia. What would it take for you to call off from work?

A) Hangover

B) Hang nail

C) Knife in the back

D) Nothing would keep me from going to work and spreading my infection to everybody else

MINIATURE HORSES TO PROTEST JOEY'S PORTER'S HIRING BY THE STEELERS

"We haven't forgotten how his dogs killed one of our own in 2011," spokeshorse says; team officials to welcome the animals in for a discussion because "they are just too cute and everybody here wants to see them"

DOLLAR BANK CANCELS VISA CARDS TO PREVENT FRAUD

Officials became suspicious when cardholder "A. W. Center" tried to put $7 million loan payment on account

HOMELAND SECURITY DIVERTS SUPER BOWL RESOURCES TO PUNXSUTAWNEY AS PHIL PREDICTS SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER

FBI sources say they detected a sudden upswing of 'chatter' and specific threats against the groundhog around 7:28 am