DIPPY VOWS NEWLY-DISCOVERED DINOSAUR WILL "NEVER SET FOOT IN THE BUILDING"

"This town isn't big enough for the two of us," the Carnegie's most famous resident says of new Argentinian dinosaur discovered by museum scientists. "If he tries to move in, he'll find out who the real titanosaur around here is."
    City officials hope to head off the destruction of Oakland through negotiations with representatives of Mr. Notocolossus and Mr. Diplodocus.

THOMAS TULL DECIDES TO MOVE EDGEWOOD HOUSE RATHER THAN DEMOLISH IT

Steelers owner says it is "just a coincidence" that he announced the plan the morning after Steelers linemen had their season ended

GUS THE GROUNDHOG RETURNS TO LOTTERY COMMERICALS, DENIES HAVING WORK DONE

Second-most famous groundhog claims to have been merely working out and eating better in recent years; plastic surgeons beg to differ

HARRISBURG - After being absent from the airwaves for several years, Gus the Groundhog returned this month to promote a new instant game from the Pennsylvania Lottery. But instead of seeing the lovable schlub Pennsylvanians have come to know, Gus appeared with a much sleeker, younger look.

"Like a lot of people, I decided I needed to improve my overall health," the marmot explained. "I started eating more greens and I got a personal trainer to help me exercise. He made me run a lot by getting some predators to chase me around. It was definitely tough, but the weight just melted away. I've never felt or looked better."
     But plastic surgeons are dubious. "There are tell-tale signs that he's had some work done," said Beverly Hills physician Dr. Robert Brenneman. "The tightness around his eyes indicates a facelift. The nose appears to have been re-shaped. His teeth are noticeably whiter.  I don't know if he had lipo or gastric bypass, but he seems to have sculpted his body in ways that exercise just can't accomplish."
     Gus denies the charge. "I worked hard to look this way. I even got a stylist, because the bulky sweaters I was wearing weren't doing me any favors. And why doesn't anybody question Punxsutawney Phil about the 'elixir of youth' he drinks all the time? Haters are always going to hate."

      After the 'Gus Bucks' promotion work ends, Gus will take a few months off. Brenneman suspects he knows what that means. "Groundhogs who say they are taking a few months off are heading for more plastic surgery, not hibernation," he said. "They don't want to be seen during recovery. I don't know what he's all planning, but I hope he stops before he gets a Kenny Rogers look."

MOCKINGBURGH SURVEY: THE STEELERS RELEASE JACOBY JONES

Last Saturday, the Steelers released Jacoby Jones, who had been signed to return kickoffs but did the job poorly before being benched. What do you think about this?

A) What took them so long????

B) Sadly, he may not have been their worst free-agent signing for the season

C) I always suspected he was really a double-agent for the Ravens all along