CAITLYN JENNER DONS JORTS; RESISTANCE TO HER TRANSITION DISAPPEARS

Even the most strident critics admit jean shorts are the epitome of middle-aged female clothing

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: THE DEATH OF GEORGE ROMERO

Pittsburgher and zombie-film director George Romero died over the weekend at the age of 77. What do you think about this?

87% - RIP, George

13% - Are we absolutely certain that he's just not undead?

'PINA COLADA SONG' MAN LAMENTS THE DEMISE OF PERSONAL ADS

"Any social media that shows me in person instead of on paper is not good for me," man says

SAN CLEMENTE, CA --- The man who inspired the #1 hit, 'The Pina Colada Song' said he he hasn't had been as successful in having affairs since personal ads faded.

Now 60-years-old, Bob Brennan "got tired of his lady" in 1979 and placed a personal ad in a local newspaper seeking an affair. Hilarity ensued when he got a favorable response, only to realize when the two met that his wife was interested in cheating on him as well.

"We did everything I had put in the ad --- drank champagne, talked about brainy things, got caught in the rain," Brennan says. "At first it was fun, but pretty soon you realize getting caught in the rain just soaks you down to your underwear, and that's a real buzzkill."

Once their briefly re-ignited love faded again, Brennan returned to looking for another woman. "But by then, personal ads were done and it was all social media," he said. "Anything that shows my current physical condition is not good for me. Tinder was a real disaster - everybody kept swiping right. Or was it left? I can't remember which one is the bad one. Plus it's easier for my wife to see that I'm trying to cheat again.

"A few open-minded younger women replied to some other postings I had made. But when I tried to tell them my funny story about the personal ad, they gave me a completely blank look like I was stuck in the Stone Age."

For now, Brennan is planning to be alone. "All the younger women I like just don't get me," he said. "They're all into yoga and health food, and I am not about that at all."

FLOWER THE PENGUIN TURNING OUT TO BE 'A REAL JERK' AT NATIONAL AVIARY

Marc-Andre Fleury disavows association

NORTH SIDE - Aviary officials are quietly discussing trades with other aviaries and aquaria now that their newest penguin has proven to be no team player.

Flower had been named in honor of recently-departed goalie Marc-Andre Fleury. Fleury, who had been the Pens' #1 goalie for years, was supplanted by Matt Murray and yet continued to be a consummate pro. He was drafted by Las Vegas in late June, and left Pittsburgh after penning a heartfelt farewell letter.

Flower the African penguin was scouted as being shy, but otherwise he seemed to be getting along well in the group. But within a few days, Flower had proven to be no team player.

"We thought he was being quiet because he didn't know our language well," said Sidney, captain of the penguin colony. "But within a few days he started throwing his feet and flippers around. We thought he was playing goalie as a joke, but he's just being a jerk. He wants to be the number one, two and three star everyday, and it just doesn't work like that."

Aviary officials are at a loss to explain Flower's behavior, but hope to trade him for a veteran penguin who can contribute to the colony's success.