HOMELAND SECURITY DIVERTS SUPER BOWL RESOURCES TO PUNXSUTAWNEY AS PHIL PREDICTS SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER

FBI sources say they detected a sudden upswing of 'chatter' and specific threats against the groundhog around 7:28 am

MOCKINGBURGH WOMEN'S SURVEY: ANDREW MCCUTCHEN'S PROPOSAL

Pirates outfielder and National League MVP Andrew McCutchen made a public marriage proposal to his long-time girlfriend on the 'Ellen' show this week, which included a huge diamond ring. What do you think of this?

13% - How romantic

87% - I am retroactively angry at my husband for not doing this

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: THE PENNSYLVANIA LOTTERY'S SPOKESWOMAN

The Pennsylvania Lottery announced this week that Penny, the spokeswoman for the past year, has been phased out. What do you think of this?

13% - You hate to see anyone lose a job

87% - She couldn't hold a candle to Gus the Groundhog

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: THE STEELERS WIN OVER NEW YORK

The Steelers won their first game of the season with a 19-6 win over the Jets. What do you think about this?



13% - Eleven more, and we finish 12-4

87% - It's a win, but it's just the Jets

SATAN PRE-EMPTIVELY BOWS OUT OF ANY 'UNLEASHED HELL' FROM STEELERS

"I'm used to losing a lot of battles, but even I want no part of the Steelers this year," Prince of Darkness says

SOUTH SIDE - If the Steelers hope to salvage their season after starting 0-4, they cannot expect any help from below. Satan sent out a tweet this morning saying he will not be involved in this year's team.

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin famously promised to "unleash Hell in December," 2009 when the Steelers were in danger of missing the playoffs. Despite that promise, the team lost to both Oakland and Cleveland, and finished 9-7 overall.

"Yeah, I probably shouldn't have gotten involved then, either, " Satan said from his lair. "But I was already working with the Ravens, and I thought I'd have a little fun by messing with the AFC North a little. The Steelers just didn't hold up their end of the bargain."

Sadly for Steelers' fans, God also bowed out later the same day, tweeting, "Try St. Jude. LOL."

MOCKINGBURGH SURVEY: THE DECISIVE FIFTH GAME OF THE PIRATES - CARDINALS SERIES

Wednesday night, the team moving on to the National League Championship Series will be determined. What do you expect to happen?

87% - The Pirates will win

13% - They might lose, but if there is a God it won't be in the bottom of the ninth with a slow runner scoring from second

PIRATES 4-0 SINCE DUCK'S ARRIVAL; DUCK DEMANDS $20 MILLION CONTRACT TO STAY THROUGHOUT PLAYOFFS

Also wants the month to be called Ducktober