'PINA COLADA SONG' MAN LAMENTS THE DEMISE OF PERSONAL ADS

"Any social media that shows me in person instead of on paper is not good for me," man says

SAN CLEMENTE, CA --- The man who inspired the #1 hit, 'The Pina Colada Song' said he he hasn't had been as successful in having affairs since personal ads faded.

Now 60-years-old, Bob Brennan "got tired of his lady" in 1979 and placed a personal ad in a local newspaper seeking an affair. Hilarity ensued when he got a favorable response, only to realize when the two met that his wife was interested in cheating on him as well.

"We did everything I had put in the ad --- drank champagne, talked about brainy things, got caught in the rain," Brennan says. "At first it was fun, but pretty soon you realize getting caught in the rain just soaks you down to your underwear, and that's a real buzzkill."

Once their briefly re-ignited love faded again, Brennan returned to looking for another woman. "But by then, personal ads were done and it was all social media," he said. "Anything that shows my current physical condition is not good for me. Tinder was a real disaster - everybody kept swiping right. Or was it left? I can't remember which one is the bad one. Plus it's easier for my wife to see that I'm trying to cheat again.

"A few open-minded younger women replied to some other postings I had made. But when I tried to tell them my funny story about the personal ad, they gave me a completely blank look like I was stuck in the Stone Age."

For now, Brennan is planning to be alone. "All the younger women I like just don't get me," he said. "They're all into yoga and health food, and I am not about that at all."

FLOWER THE PENGUIN TURNING OUT TO BE 'A REAL JERK' AT NATIONAL AVIARY

Marc-Andre Fleury disavows association

NORTH SIDE - Aviary officials are quietly discussing trades with other aviaries and aquaria now that their newest penguin has proven to be no team player.

Flower had been named in honor of recently-departed goalie Marc-Andre Fleury. Fleury, who had been the Pens' #1 goalie for years, was supplanted by Matt Murray and yet continued to be a consummate pro. He was drafted by Las Vegas in late June, and left Pittsburgh after penning a heartfelt farewell letter.

Flower the African penguin was scouted as being shy, but otherwise he seemed to be getting along well in the group. But within a few days, Flower had proven to be no team player.

"We thought he was being quiet because he didn't know our language well," said Sidney, captain of the penguin colony. "But within a few days he started throwing his feet and flippers around. We thought he was playing goalie as a joke, but he's just being a jerk. He wants to be the number one, two and three star everyday, and it just doesn't work like that."

Aviary officials are at a loss to explain Flower's behavior, but hope to trade him for a veteran penguin who can contribute to the colony's success.

PEPPER THE CAT CLAIMS VICTORY IN CANCELLATION OF 'DOWNWARD DOG'

 "I kept telling him no one liked him," Martin's nemesis says


PITTSBURGH - ABC cancelled production of the Pittsburgh-based comedy 'Downward Dog' today, ending a short-lived run. Although human fans of the show were disappointed, one cat was not.

Pepper, a free-roaming cat who frequently annoyed Martin, exulted in the news today. "He must have sniffed a lot of rear ends to even get on TV," the tabby said today. "I knew he couldn't carry an entire show. He's just not that interesting. He sleeps 14 hours a day and is proud of that."

"He thinks he's one of the great minds of his generation, but he was too dopey to realize they didn't even put him on until summer," Pepper said. "That's when networks burn off shows. Personally, I think ABC made a mistake from the get-go by making a dog the star of a show instead of a more superior creature like me."

Martin declined comment about Pepper's remarks, and would only repeat his view that Pepper is a terrorist. Martin's agent said the dog hopes to be adopted into one of the 'This Is Us' families so he can stay in Pittsburgh.

MOCKINGBURGH SURVEY: THE PENGUINS WIN THE STANLEY CUP

On Sunday, the Penguins won the Stanley Cup by defeating the Nashville Predators in Game 6. What do you think about this?

13% - I'm glad I lived to see to it, because they were killing me

87% - We had 'em all the way

MAYOR ADD REST OF THE ALPHABET TO 'LGBTQIA' TO COVER ALL POSSIBILITIES

PITTSBURGH - Mayor Bill Peduto announced today that his LGBTQIA inclusion panel will be re-named. Speaking at the city's Pride Festival, Peduto said that the group will now be known as LGBTQIACMXEZKDSOVWHFRPJNU.
   "I don't know how to pronounce it," the mayor quipped. "But once we added the 'I' and 'A,' I thought, what if someone identifies as Confused? Or Dumbfounded? I would feel horrible if we excluded anybody and hurt their feelings."
     Noting that New York City recognizes 37 different gender identities, they mayor said the new designation may not be broad enough. "We'll see how this goes before we start adding symbols or emojis. But we can't be too sensitive on this topic."
   Peduto also pointed out that marketing opportunities exist within the new name. "We have VW together; maybe Volkswagen will want to show how roomy their cars are to accommodate a lot of people. And 'KD' is together so the TV station can still use 'You're in KD Country.' Who wouldn't want to be involved in this?"

MOCKINGBURGH SURVEY: THE HAYS BALD EAGLE NEST IS DESTROYED

High winds have destroyed the bald eagle nest in Hays, where an egg had been laid just last Friday. What do you think about this?

13% - Mother Nature can be cruel

87% - I am going to 84 Lumber right now to get them building materials

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL CLAIMS GOBBLER'S KNOB CROWD WAS BIGGER THAN TRUMP'S INAUGURATION

President starts Twitter war; says Phil has "tiny hands"