BED-RIDDEN LIMAS SWEED FEELS EVEN WORSE AROUND 8:00 PM SUNDAY

MAYOR MAKES CHANGES IN ADMINISTRATIVE STAFF

Warns bloggers not to speculate on changes, hires Philadelphia lawyer to guard privacy of staff

ROGUE WIENERMOBILE ROAMING THE STATE, VIOLATING TRAFFIC LAWS WITH ABANDON

Police powerless to stop it for fear of being labeled Un-American

STEELERS WRAPUP:

STEELER FANS BEGINNING TO DOUBT SUPER BOWL RUN


HARRISBURG AREA WOMAN HAS SECOND THOUGHTS OVER FIGHT WITH TOWNSHIP ON DISPLAYING 'YOU'RE IN STEELERS COUNTRY' BANNER


AIR QUALITY ALERT ISSUED FOR PITTSBURGH AS STEELERS RETURN HOME

LINUS REFUSING TO APPEAR IN RESCHEDULED 'A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS'

Linus is "royally pissed" that President Obama pre-empted his big speech last week

NEW YORK --- ABC executives are trying to save tonight's broadcast of 'A Charlie Brown Christmas,' which is in doubt because of Linus' refusal to come out of his dressing room. There was no official statement from the Peanuts gang, but sources close to Mr. Brown say that Linus is still upset about last week's preemption for President Barak Obama's speech on Afghanistan. "Linus told someone that 'It's like Obama doesn't want the Gospel of John to be heard,'" an anonymous source said. "While we doubt that's true, it is a big issue for him and we're trying to work with him. We keep talking about the real meaning of Christmas, but so far he hasn't budged."
While the White House had no official comment, they did schedule the President's speech on jobs and the economy for noon on Tuesday, instead of Tuesday night. White House press secretary Robert Gibbs denied any connection between the two events.

ROBERTO DURAN CEDES 'HANDS OF STONE' TITLE TO STEELERS' SECONDARY

EDITORIAL: CAN WE REALLY TRUST JAKE GYLLENHAAL?

You can't really be both a Patriots fan and a Steelers fan

EDITORIAL --- When Jake Gyllenhaal went on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live,' he said he had become a Steelers fan, showed off a tattoo on his lower back, and told how he had received a Terrible Towel from a fan at a Steelers game. After some previous movie stars had dumped on us (we're looking at you, Siena Miller), it was thrilling to have this actor say some nice things.
But once the euphoria wore off, we thought --- is Jake really a Steelers fan? Let's look at the evidence:
1. Several times during the interview, he mentioned being a New England Patriots fan. Being both a Steelers fan and a Patriots fan is like saying you worship both Christ and the Devil. You can guess which one is the Devil we are referring to.
2. The Steelers tattoo is on his "lower back," according to the Post-Gazette. Isn't that just a polite way of saying, "the tattoo is on his butt"?
3. After receiving the Terrible Towel, he allowed his friend/bodyguard to use it to wipe his mouth after eating a Primanti's sandwich. Using the Towel in this way is an abomination.

So we're not sure we believe Jake's a Steelers fan. Celebrity Steeler fans are more in the mold of Hank Williams, Jr., not pretty boys like Jake. But he's always welcome to come back and try to win us over. Just don't mess with the Towel next time.

SATAN SIGNS WITH STEELERS, IS EXPECTED TO START ON SUNDAY

Tomlin makes good on promise to unleash Hell in December



SOUTH SIDE - On the heels of head coach Mike Tomlin's statement that "we will unleash Hell in December," the Steelers today signed Satan as a free agent for the remainder of the 2009 season.
"To be honest, I thought I'd get a call from the Raiders or Baltimore, not the Steelers," the Prince of Darkness said today. "But I'll go wherever I'm needed. I'm ready to contribute."
Tomlin expects big things from Satan. "We don't know yet exactly how we'll use him, but we expect him to be disruptive in a lot of ways. He'll go into attack mode, because that is what's required."
Current Steelers, including Hines Ward, welcomed Satan to the squad. "I'm not sure he can hit as hard as I can," Ward said, "but I'm pretty sure he's not going to be complaining about having a headache."
It is still unclear what number Satan will be assigned. The Steelers are petitioning the league to allow a special number, 666, to be worn by Satan.