PIRATES BEAT MILWAUKEE

"Nobody but nobody beats us 23 times in a row," manager John Russell says

ZOO'S ELEPHANTS WERE BEHIND REMOVAL OF ROETHLISBERGER GRAPHIC

Weasels still willing to associate with Ben

HIGHLAND PARK --- Zoo officials admitted today that the zoo's elephants, especially the females, pushed for Ben Roethlisberger's removal from a educational graphic near their enclosure.
"We had gotten some calls from the public about it," zoo spokeswoman Karenna Kern says. "But the elephants were equally angry about his behavior, and they are the ones who really influenced the decision."
Roethlisberger's picture will be replaced with a photo of Mario Lemieux. "We like Mario," says lead elephant and six-time father Jackson, who points out that all his conquests have been consensual. "Of course, he's not without fault, either. Mario was also involved in a sexual assault case a few years ago." Jackson was referring to an incident in the 1980's in which teammate Dan Quinn was accused of rape, and Lemieux was in the hotel room at the time. "A lot of people have forgotten that, but not us," Jackson said. "But he seems to have redeemed himself, so we're OK with it."
There has been one unintended consequence of the change. "Now the [zoo's] penguins are mad at the elephants," spokeswoman Kern says. "The pens thought they had exclusive rights to Mario. We're just going to have to keep the groups separated for a while, because the penguins will get crushed if they try to start something with the elephants."

NFL ORDERS ROETHLISBERGER BACK TO KINDERGARTEN

POLL: 87% OF STEELERS FANS SAY ROETHLISBERGER SHOULD BE SUSPENDED FOR THAT HAIRCUT ALONE

POLICE DOG PURCHASED BY ROETHLISBERGER BEING INVESTIGATED FOR ASSAULT

MILLEDGEVILLE, GA - Reports from Georgia indicate that a known associate of Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been accused of assault. Cezar, a police dog from Allegheny Township, was in Georgia last weekend to celebrate his birthday with several of his littermates.
"A young woman has come forward to report that Cezar bit her," police chief Paul Chwastyk said today. "We are investigating, including a review of medical reports, witness statements, and DNA testing. We will forward this information to Fredic Bright, the district attorney, at the appropriate time."
Cezar has retained the services of Atlanta-based criminal defense attorney Ed Garland. "Ben gave him my name," Garland said from his law office. "Apparently, Mr. Roethlisberger liked what I did for him, and I guess Cezar is looking for the same. I'll get my investigator right on it -- we just don't know if the young lady did anything to cause the attack. She may have been teasing Cezar, and now she's claiming assault. We'll vigorously defend this fine public servant."
When approached outside a Wexford restauant, Roethliesberger declined to comment.

HISTORIC PHOTO PROVES EASTER BUNNY WAS PRESENT AT CHRIST'S CRUXIFICTION