PITTSBURGH - Medical researchers at UMPC have made a breakthrough in the war on Bieber Fever, which affects millions around the globe. Dr. Susan Messner and her research team made the announcement at a press conference at Children's Hospital yesterday morning.
"I was watching an entertainment program, and the announcer said,'There is no cure for Bieber Fever.' I thought, 'Why not? We should really work on that.' My team dove right in the next morning."
Bieber Fever primarily affects young girls aged 8-13, but, Dr. Messner said, young men can be affected, too. "For girls, the most common symptoms are weeping, screaming, and an unhealthy attachment to Justin's tweets. Boys are more prone to growing hair on their foreheads, then shaking the bangs out of their eyes. That gives them whiplash-like pains," she said.
The treatment could cost up to $10,000, and has not yet been approved by the FDA. In addition, it is unclear if insurance companies will cover the cost. "We know it's going to be an uphill battle," Dr. Messner admitted, "and it's true that most teenagers will eventually outgrow Bieber fever. But how many parents want to wait that long?"
Dr. Messner said that although she was exposed to Bieber fever during her research, she did not develop symptoms. "I just don't get it," she said. "I guess I'm immune. But when I was that age [8-13], I was just crazy about Bobby Goldsboro. Now he was dreamy. Justin Bieber just can't hold a candle to him."
