Motive unclear; PA Governor vows revenge
GREENE COUNTY - In what is being called Ohio's Bay of Pigs, a surprise attack on Pennsylvania failed today when the Buckeye State's attack blimp crashed in Greene County. Despite the failure, Governor Tom Corbett called an emergency meeting of his defense team and mobilized the PA National Guard to the western border.
"This is an outrage," Corbett said today from an undisclosed location. "I thought we were friends. I guess they secretly resented us - after all, we're bigger, we have a bigger legislature, and we have the Steelers. They're stuck with the Bengals and Browns. That kind of hopelessness often leads to radicalization."
Political analysts were mystified as well. "Ohio's always been quiet and law-abiding, and seemed to get along with the other states," says Terry Madonna of Franklin & Marshall College. "But I think the whole Jim Tressel thing pushed them over the edge. Maybe they were out to kidnap Joe Paterno and take him to Columbus. It's a scary thought."
Corbett said it's too early to say what the Commonwealth might do in return. "We are keeping our options open, including taking away their EZ-Passes so they have to pay the higher tolls on the Turnpike. We may have been founded by Quakers, but we are not afraid of a fight."
"Ohio would be wise to remember that the Ohio River starts in Pitsburgh," the governor said. "Not only could we stop that river at the border, I think we might even want to rename it."
