SURGEON GENERAL'S REPORT SAYS KENNYWOOD'S SQUIRRELS 'AT HIGH RISK' OF HEART DISEASE DUE TO POOR DIETS

WEST MIFFLIN - A steady diet of ice cream, cotton candy and popcorn is cutting the average lifespan of Kennywood's resident squirrels. That's the conclusion of the US Surgeon General's recent report on squirrel morbidity and mortality in Pittsburgh's favorite amusement park.

Surgeon General Jack Dammer issued his report today at the amusement park. His office became concerned after seeing a series of death certificates for relatively young squirrels here.

"Everybody loves fun food, and we're not trying to stop that," Dr. Dammer said. "Well, maybe Mrs. Obama is, but not me."

"Kennywood visitors can have some treats, leave the park, and get back to their healthful diets. Not so for the squirrels. They're in an environment awash with goodies 24/7, and it's not conducive to a healthy lifestyle. Even though they exercise regularly, it can't overcome their poor eating habits. I've never seen so many clogged arteries in all my years of doing squirrel autopsies."

Dr. Dammer suggests that the squirrels take advantage of the abundant acorns from Kennywood's oak trees, and go back to eating leafy trees instead.

The squirrels were unavailable for comment, but workers reported hearing laughter at the time of the Surgeon General's recommendations.

CLEVELAND FAN DECKED BY JAMES HARRISON ANNOUNCES RETURN TO FOOTBALL

"Super stoked that #92 retired," he says in a tweet. "Can't wait for first game with Pittsburgh."

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: THE BRITISH EMBASSY COMMEMORATES THE BURNING OF THE WHITE HOUSE IN 1814

On Monday, the British Embassy sent out a tweet of a White House-shaped cake to mark an important War of 1812 event. The tweet read, "Commemorating the 200th anniversary of burning the White House. Only sparklers this time!" What do you think about this?

13% - A bit cheeky, I'd say

87% - We ended up winning that war, right? And the one before it, too? 

FANS LINE UP OUTSIDE STEELER STORES TO BUY RYAN SHAZIER JERSEYS

"We haven't seen this big a crowd since people tried to return their Roethlisberger jerseys in 2010," one manager says

STEELER TAILGATERS ESCHEW ALCOHOL, CREATE NO TRASH, WOULDN'T DREAM OF PLAYING CORN HOLE

"They're just a better class of people than those country music fans," Mayor Peduto sniffs

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: BEN ROETHLISBERGER VS. PEYTON MANNING

This week, former Steelers receiver Emmanuel Sanders praised his new quarterback, Peyton Manning, for his work ethic. He said Manning is "a far better leader," and praised the fact that he is "ready to work, every single day." Which quarterback do you prefer?

13% - I decide by Super Bowl rings, so I'll take Ben

87% - I decide by Super Bowl rings and lack of criminal allegations, so I'll take Peyton

MANFRED NAMED NEW MLB COMMISSIONER

New leader, seen here with current Commissioner Bud Selig, reacts to news by going to sleep

RON TOMALIS SUBMITS RESIGNATION LETTER AS SPECIAL EDUCATION ADVISOR TO CORBETT

Secretary of Education Carolyn Dumaresq to delete letter at end of day

MOCKINGBURGH SURVEY: THE STEELERS' PRESEASON LOSS TO THE GIANTS

The Steelers lost their first preseason game last night by a score of 20-16. What was the most disturbing aspect for you?

A) Being in the red zone and having to settle for a field goal

B) A big play given up by the defense

C) Several special teams miscues

D) Hey, didn't you give me these exact same choices last year?