Surgeon General Jack Dammer issued his report today at the amusement park. His office became concerned after seeing a series of death certificates for relatively young squirrels here.
"Everybody loves fun food, and we're not trying to stop that," Dr. Dammer said. "Well, maybe Mrs. Obama is, but not me."
"Kennywood visitors can have some treats, leave the park, and get back to their healthful diets. Not so for the squirrels. They're in an environment awash with goodies 24/7, and it's not conducive to a healthy lifestyle. Even though they exercise regularly, it can't overcome their poor eating habits. I've never seen so many clogged arteries in all my years of doing squirrel autopsies."
Dr. Dammer suggests that the squirrels take advantage of the abundant acorns from Kennywood's oak trees, and go back to eating leafy trees instead.
The squirrels were unavailable for comment, but workers reported hearing laughter at the time of the Surgeon General's recommendations.
