MOCKINGBURGH SURVEY: PITTSBURGH'S 'DINER EN BLANC'

On Saturday, Pittsburgh will be one of many cities holding an outdoor dinner where attendees are required to wear all-white clothing; bring their own white tables, plates, and tablecloth; and haul it all to a secret location. Attendees must be invited, pay a $45 fee, and then pay for a meal and wine. What do you think about this?

A) I don't know who's organizing it, but it sounds like a pretty good con

B) Sounds utterly pretentious

C) I don't go anywhere I can't wear black and gold

FROM THE 1776 MOCKINGBURGH ARCHIVES: AMERICANS CHOOSE TO 'BREXIT'

PHILADELPHIA - Financial markets were roiled today as colonists voted overwhelmingly to exit the British Empire.

Polls leading up to the vote had indicated that the vote would be close, but a declaration written by Thomas Jefferson in the last few days seems to have turned the tide. "I think We the People got tired of being told what to do and how much to pay for it by a bunch of bureaucrats in a foreign land," Mr. Jefferson said today. "Once British leaders calm down about this, I'm sure we'll be able to negotiate an orderly way to dissolve the Political Bands that connect us."

But Benedict Arnold, one of the leaders of the "Remain" movement, said Americans will come to regret their decision. "There's no doubt Britian will cut ties and refuse to do business with us in the future," he said. Asked to comment on reports that a number of people are expected to return to Britain instead of living here, Arnold said, "I'm not sure what I am going to about this yet."

King George III was unavailable for comment, but Prime Minister William Pitt was critical. "If they want to leave, let 'em," he said. "We want nothing to do with them. And they can take my name off that fort where the Allegheny and Mon rivers meet to form the Ohio."

U.S. HURRIES TO BUILD WALLS BEFORE DONALD TRUMP CAN RETURN FROM SCOTLAND

Thousands of Americans volunteer to chip in and pay for it

HERE'S YOUR UPDATED PITTSBURGH-CLEVELAND SCORECARD

Pittsburgh 15

Cleveland   1

(But congrats to Cleveland anyway!)

USGA SAYS IT IS STILL REVIEWING PLAY, MAY ASSESS MORE PENALTIES

Officials hope to wrap up Thursday's rounds today, and declare new scoring and winner by next Friday

SHARKS ADDED TO 'CRITICALLY ENDANGERED' SPECIES LIST

US Fish & Wildlfe Service says extinction could happen as early as Thursday

LOCAL WOMAN REALIZES SHE IS NO BETTER AT COLORING EVEN AS AN ADULT

"This is supposed to be a fun and relaxing activity, but I am so stressed out trying to stay inside the lines," local resident says

BETHEL PARK - Always trying to keep up on current trends, Susie Messner thought it'd be fun to pick up an adult coloring book and spend a few hours creating a masterpiece. Sadly, she found the hobby to be just as frustrating to her as it had been in pre-school.

"When I was a kid, I'd always make the sky orange or the grass blue," she remarked today. "I tried to say I was being creative, but the truth was that I just stunk, and I knew it. I thought I'd get better with time, but all this is doing to dredging up bad memories of art class."

 The elaborate patterns aren't helping either. "I can barely read the directions on my pill bottles, and they want me to fill in a bunch of tiny shapes? And shade them on top of that? They're nuts."

Messner has set aside the coloring books and is waiting for the next trend to arrive. One thing's for sure --- she won't go back to another recent fad:  knitting. "Boy, that's another one I suck at. And another thing I tried as a kid and failed miserably at. I don't know what's coming next, but I hope it's something like napping. Now that's a trend a lot of us could do well."