JEFF REED SAYS HE WOULD HAVE MADE "AT LEAST TWO" OF FIELD GOALS AGAINST THE BILLS

GOD REFUSES TO TAKE BLAME FOR STEVIE JOHNSON'S DROPPED PASS

"I put the ball right in the palms of his hands," God says. "At that point, he should use the talents I gave him."

BUFFALO - God made a special appearance in upstate New York today to address accusations that he let down Bills' receiver Steve Johnson yesterday.

The dust-up started when Johnson dropped a game-winning touchdown pass in an overtime game with the Steelers. Johnson then posted a tweet blaming God for the drop. "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!! AND THIS IS HOW YOU DO ME!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW??!!! I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS!!! EVER!!! THANX THO..."

"First of all, I don't need Twitter to get My message out," the Almighty said. "I usually use more traditional forms of communication, like stone tablets. Some people will say I'm behind the times, but no one can match the billions of followers I have, Twitter or no Twitter."

"But as to the subject at hand, Stevie is the only one responsible for that drop. I gave him lots of talents; he's just not using them well. Even his coaches say he needs to concentrate more throughout the game. Who am I to argue with them?"

God pointed out that He will still love Johnson. "I appreciate the praise and thanks from him," God says, "and My children are always welcome unto Me. But if he wants an on-Earth example of football and holiness, he should emulate Troy [Polamalu]. Now there's a guy using all the talents I gave him. He hits people, he makes plays, and his Twitter account has a lot of insight," God said. "And as much as I hate to admit it, Troy's hair may be better than even Mine."

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: WEEK 12

Winners: Troy Polamalu, Hines Ward, Shane "Sushi" Suisham

Losers: Chan Gailey for trying to ice Sushi, the Bills' Stevie Johnson, Chris Kemoeatu, Ben Roethlisberger

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: WHO DO YOU THINK ELBOWED OBAMA IN THE MOUTH?

87% - Joe Biden
13% - Someone acting on behalf of Joe Biden

'OPT-OUT DAY' ORGANIZER CALLS LACK OF PROTEST A SUCCESS

Also claims black is white, up is down

PENNSYLVANIA DEER CALL FOR 'OPT OUT DAY' NEXT MONDAY

Grassroots group We Won't Die calls on deer to opt out of woods and state gamelands on first day of hunting season; Game Commission frowns on idea

BUSH-GORE LAWYERS POISED TO ENTER 'DANCING WITH THE STARS' VOTING CONTROVERSY

"If they declare Bristol Palin the winner, it's on like Donkey Kong," David Boies says

HOLLYWOOD - Teams of lawyers, all veterans of the 2000 Florida recount battle, are ready to "take whatever action is necessary" when a winner of 'Dancing with the Stars' is announced Tuesday night.

Vote manipulation and even fraud started to be discussed when the daughter of Sarah Palin continued to move forward every week, despite low scores and an obvious lack of talent. Some of even gone so far to suggest a Tea Party conspiracy.

Kimberly Fishman of northern Californian is among those supporting the conspiracy theory. "It's all politics," Fishman complained, who describes herself as a Jennifer Grey supporter and "liberal" on dancing. "I didn't bother to vote, but I am bitter about this."

Others claimed that voting procedures were confusing. "Somehow I ended up voting for Pat Buchanan," said Miriam Fleischbaum, an elderly Jewish woman from Miami. "We should be allowed to re-vote."

Former Senator Alan Simpson, taking a break from trying to save the nation from its massive deficit, has little use for the controversy. "This is all hysterical babble," Simpson says. "It's just a TV show."

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: WEEK 11

Winners: James Farrior, James Harrison, Steeler receivers, the crowd, the piece of turf that tripped Oakland's quarterback

Losers: Bogus personal foul calls, Richard Seymour, Ben Roethlisberger

OAKLAND'S PUNTER TESTS POSITIVE FOR AMMONIUM CARBONATE

Smelling salts not a banned substance, but Lechler faces $500 in fines for littering

WUERL RECEIVES CARDINAL'S RING, SENDS BISHOP'S RING TO CASH4GOLD

"I just put my unwanted jewelry in the prepaid envelope, mailed it in, and got $972 back!"

MIDSTATE STEELERS FANS TO MEET, MOVE HARRISBURG 100 MILES WEST

HARRISBURG - Steelers fans living in Central Pennsylvania will meet at Uptown Plaza at 6:00 am this coming Friday to move the city one hundred miles west. The effort is designed to have the city fall within the Steelers' television market instead of the Ravens' market, as it currently is.

"We want everyone to bring their pickups, trailers, box trucks, everything that we can use to haul stuff," organizer Paul Chwastyk said today. "This isn't Maryland, and we don't want to see the Ravens. It's Pennsylvania, and we want to see the Steelers. By moving west, we'll be in their TV market. And as an added bonus, we'll be an extra hundred miles from Philadelphia, which is always good."

Jeff Bristol, sports director for the local CBS affiliate, was ecstatic at the news. "You have no idea how many angry calls I get when we have to show the Ravens game instead of the Steelers game," Bristol said. "I've done on-air stories with maps and little football helmets, trying to explain the NFL rules. All week I've been explaining why we can't show the Raiders game, and still everybody blames me."

One fan sure to help with the move is Karenna Kern. "Every time they show the Ravens instead of the Steelers, I have to go to the bar to see the game," she complained. "I have never drunk so much in my life. It's fun, but it's getting expensive. I think the least the NFL could do is pay my bar tab if they're not going to show the game here."

Chwastyk expects a good crowd on Friday,"but it'll still probably take all day and maybe part of Saturday," he says. Still undecided is the fate of the Capitol. "It's a beautiful building and I'm sure we could move it safely," Chwastyk said. "But a lot of us aren't crazy about the legislature. We might leave 'em here and let them fend for themselves."

RENDELL ACKNOWLEDGES DRIVING SKILLS ARE RUSTY

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: IS RYAN REYNOLDS 'SEXIEST MAN ALIVE'?

WHO IS RYAN REYNOLDS? - 13%

WHAT'S WRONG WITH GEORGE CLOONEY? - 87%

NEW STEELERS KICKER PREEMPTIVELY BLAMES TURF FOR FUTURE MISSED FIELDGOALS

"It'll be hard to plant my foot and have a piece of ground move where the ball's at," Suisham says

END ZONE STEELER FANS DENY HECKLING PUNTER

"Jeff [Reed's] the only one we have a problem with," ticketholder says. "Dan Sepulvada is the only Steeler able to get the ball down the field, so we like him."

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: WEEK 10

Winners: Honestly can't think of any

Losers: Offense, defense, throwback uniforms, Jeff Reed, Ben Roethlisberger

LOCAL NEWS DIRECTOR TO 'PHONE IT IN' THROUGH THE END OF THE YEAR

"I'll just tell them to do the usual holiday travel/shopping/hunting/hard-luck stories we do in November and December, then start fresh in 2011," producer says


TELEVISION RIDGE - Employees of KTXI News shouldn't expect to see much of news director Peter Longu over the next seven weeks, as he plans to "phone in" the stories he wants to see on the air.

"Every year we do the same stories," Longu says. "Why should I even have to go in? Let me give you the lineup our viewers can expect to see."

"Let's start with a local charity's worry that they won't have enough turkeys for Thanksgiving," he began. "A few days later, we'll follow up with a story about how many people came forward to donate, and how wonderful it is. By then, we can switch over to covering how 'crazy' it is at airports and on the roads the day before Thanksgiving."

"That leads us right into Black Friday, which our reporters always claim is the busiest shopping day of the season, even though it's not. We'll find those people who get everything done that day so everyone else can be irritated at them. And since this is Pennsylvania, that's followed right up with the first day of deer gun season and stories about all the guys getting ready to go hunt."

"Then we have the segments about hunting accidents, more shopping, decreased donations at the Salvation Army kettles, an outpouring of donations to the Salvation Army kettles, and so on."

"We'll probably look for a few families down on their luck and feature them, but it's hard to predict when we'll find them so I'm not sure when they'll be on. It'll be early enough in December that our viewers can come forward to donate to them, and the families can say how wonderful it is. And then it's returning gifts after Christmas, New Year's eve, and we're done."

Longu acknowledges that one thing might throw off his plans: bad weather. "Bad weather is good for ratings even though people complain about overkill on our team coverage," the news director says. "So I'm hoping for a little bit of bad weather, just as long as it's not so bad that I have to go into work."

KENNYWOOD OWNERS PURCHASE AMUSEMENT PARK NEAR HERSHEY

Spanish company denies report it will no longer be called 'Dutch' Wonderland

MATT SPAETH TO PLAY TIGHT END, TACKLE, AND LEAD ROLE IN BALLET THEATRE'S 'DRACULA' THIS WEEKEND

CULTURAL DISTRICT - Steelers tight end Matt Spaeth will make his professional dance debut with Pittsburgh Ballet Theatre this weekend, subbing in for an injured Mikhail Barishnokovski. He will play the lead role in a new production of 'Dracula,' despite having only limited time training for the position.

"We've had a lot of injuries to our principal dancers this season," PBT director Terrence Orr says. "We've been using a lot of different combinations, and we rotated guys in and out during our southern tour to keep them fresh. But we need Matt for sure this weekend."

Orr says Spaeth has proved to be a pretty good dancer. "He's got quick feet, and he's great at lifts," Orr says. "Sometimes he holds the ballerinas a little too close to his body, like someone from the corps de ballet is going to come over and tackle him. But we'll review the film with him and work on it in class."

Spaeth is looking forward to the challenge. "Tight end, tackle, kicker, soloist - it doesn't matter to me," he said. "Luckily, we play Sunday night, so I can do all the Friday, Saturday, and Sunday matinee performances," the tight end/tackle/dancer says. "I should be able to get to the stadium in plenty of time, assuming I don't get a bunch of curtain calls."

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: WEEK 9

Winners: Late fourth-quarter defense, Mike Wallace, William Gay, Maurkice Pouncey

Losers: Early fourth-quarter defense, Jeff Reed, Ben Roethlisberger

UNABLE TO BEAT STEELERS, BROWNS FORMULATE NEW PLAN

"Let's just beat up Pittsburgh's next opponent the week beforehand so they are really mad when they play the Steelers"

JARED SAID TO BE 'PISSED' AT CHILEAN MINER RUNNING IN NYC MARATHON

"I don't need a dedicated runner hogging all the attention - this was MY publicity stunt," fast-food spokesman says

MOCKINGBURGH QUESTION OF THE DAY

Troy Polamalu opposes increased fines for hard hits in football, saying, "It's football, you know. If people want to watch soccer then they can watch soccer." Our question: Do You Want To Watch Soccer?



87% - NO

13% - YES, but we're afraid we'll be beat up by the other 87% of people

POLAMALU SAYS GOODELL HAS TOO MUCH POWER, WANTS TO TAKE BACK OUR LEAGUE

Announces 'Rally to Restore Hitting' on the National Mall in December

PITTSBURGH - Saying Roger Goodell has "too much power and is taking our league in the wrong direction," Troy Polamalu vowed today to create change, starting with a mass rally in Washington on December 23.

"I had a lot of hope for Goodell when he was elected in 2006," the Steelers safety said today. "But I think he is taking us down the wrong path. He won't even reach across the aisle to work with the players' union. A lot of football fans want change."

Indeed, the NFL Commissioner's approval ratings have fallen since his historic election, as he became the tenth-straight white guy to lead the league. But after a series of unpopular policy decisions, polls show Goodell's support has dropped to below 40 percent.

Polamalu is expected to be joined on the mall by the FEA Party ("Fined Enough Already"), an informal group of NFL players led by James Harrison. Alaska's Dick Butkus, a FEA Party favorite, tweeted his support, saying, "It's time to restore hitting and insanity to our league."

Polamalu is expecting crowds of 200,000-300,00 people. "We need to unite despite our political or religious differences and restore hitting," he said. "We even welcome non-Steelers fans, few as they may be."

Critics immediately pointed out that Polamalu's rally will occur on the 38th anniversary of the Immaculate Reception, one of the most storied plays in Steelers' history. Polamalu called the scheduling "merely a coincidence," but promised to include and honor Franco Harris and Frenchy Fuqua during the event.

JAMES HARRISON MEETS WITH NFL COMMISSIONER

"I guess [Goodell] got a better understanding of how I see things," linebacker says

POLL: WHO HAD THE WORST WEEK?

Heath Miller: 87%
Dan Onorato: 13%

REFEREE GENE STERATORE SAYS HE WOULDN'T HAVE OVERTURNED STEELERS' TOUCHDOWN AGAINST THE SAINTS

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: WEEK 8

Winners: Ike Taylor, and that's about it

Losers: The secondary, everyone on the goal-line effort, Ben Roethlisberger