UPMC ANNOUNCES CURE FOR BIEBER FEVER

PITTSBURGH - Medical researchers at UMPC have made a breakthrough in the war on Bieber Fever, which affects millions around the globe. Dr. Susan Messner and her research team made the announcement at a press conference at Children's Hospital yesterday morning.

"I was watching an entertainment program, and the announcer said,'There is no cure for Bieber Fever.' I thought, 'Why not? We should really work on that.' My team dove right in the next morning."

Bieber Fever primarily affects young girls aged 8-13, but, Dr. Messner said, young men can be affected, too. "For girls, the most common symptoms are weeping, screaming, and an unhealthy attachment to Justin's tweets. Boys are more prone to growing hair on their foreheads, then shaking the bangs out of their eyes. That gives them whiplash-like pains," she said.

The treatment could cost up to $10,000, and has not yet been approved by the FDA. In addition, it is unclear if insurance companies will cover the cost. "We know it's going to be an uphill battle," Dr. Messner admitted, "and it's true that most teenagers will eventually outgrow Bieber fever. But how many parents want to wait that long?"

Dr. Messner said that although she was exposed to Bieber fever during her research, she did not develop symptoms. "I just don't get it," she said. "I guess I'm immune. But when I was that age [8-13], I was just crazy about Bobby Goldsboro. Now he was dreamy. Justin Bieber just can't hold a candle to him."

FATHER TIME: "REPORTS OF MY DEATH ARE GREATLY EXAGGERATED"

NEW YORK CITY - Saying "I'm not dead yet," an angry Father Time threatened to "give you people something to remember" before the real end of the year at 11:59 pm on Friday.

"All they have on TV is stuff about 2011, and people started putting out year-in-review lists back in November," Mr. Time said. "But it's gotten really bad since Christmas ended. Everybody wants to focus on the bad things - earthquakes, oil spills, snow storms. They don't remember any of the good stuff, like beautiful days, weddings, and rainbows."

As for the New Year's Baby, "That kid doesn't know jack," Time said. "Everybody treats him like a celebrity, but what has he really accomplished? Nothing! Do you really want to put all that power in inexperienced hands?"

"A lot of people want to see me gone for their own reasons," he admitted. "But don't write me off just yet. I may have a trick or two up my ol' sleeve. I still have two days left, and I feel like wreaking a little havoc."

CORBETT RECEIVES GRIM REPORT ON STATE OF THE COMMONWEALTH

Demands vote recount to make sure "that Oronato fellow" didn't win after all

WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU, ED

Somehow we can't picture Tom Corbett calling us "A nation of wussies"


COMMENTARY - In a few short weeks, we'll bid farewell to Ed Rendell as the Commonwealth's governor. You can argue with his policies, but you can't deny he has been comedy gold for years. Whether it was his well-known affection for food, or denying an affair with a beautiful woman by saying he should have one with an unattractive woman, Rendell gave us plenty to work even in the slowest news periods.

He had his troopers drive over 100 mph on the way to Philadelphia. He said Arlen Specter was greater than Ben Franklin. When both Philly and Pittsburgh were in the NFL conference championships, he said the Super Bowl should be held at Penn State if both Pennsylvania teams won (of course, Philadelphia failed to hold up their end of the deal). And he was the only sitting governor ever to go to Gobbler's Knob on Groundhog Day, a huge oversight that he corrected.

Tom Corbett may be good for Pennsylvania; time will tell. But will he be funnier than Rendell? Probably not. Hopefully Rendell will stay true to form in his last 21 days in office and give us more material. And hopefully he'll pop up every so often once he's out. It's the least he can do for Pennsylvania's comedy writers. So, so long, Ed, and don't be a stranger.

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOLIDAY JINGLE?

13% - Hyundai's 'Up on the Rooftop' with the unhappy woman singing

87% - Honda's 'Holiday, Oh Holiday" played ad nauseum

PRESIDENT OBAMA CALLS EAGLES ABOUT MICHAEL VICK

President Clinton calls Steelers about Ben Roethlisberger

LOCAL RESIDENT JUDGED TO HAVE WORLD'S WORST MAN CAVE

IT'S A HOLIDAY FOR MOCKINGBURGH

We'll be away for a few days...so you'll have to make up your own Winners and Losers for the Steelers/Carolina game (please be sure to include Roethlisberger on the ongoing "Loser" list). See you next Tuesday!

REPORT: AL-QAIDA PLANNED TO ATTACK BUFFET RESTAURANTS WITH CYANIDE

Terrorists too impatient to allow us to kill ourselves slowly by overeating

NFL RELEASES FLOWCHART OF PLAYOFF SCENARIOS

TOMLIN SAYS SHORT WEEK FAVORS THE YOUNGER CAROLINA PANTHERS

ARLEN SPECTER BIDS FAREWELL TO SENATE

Longest-serving Senator will go down in history as only man who could have lost both primary elections this year

SOUTH CAROLINA GAMECOCK TO BOYCOTT CHICK-FIL-A BOWL

"I will not be with the team in Atlanta," mascot says. "I cannot support a company that promotes the mass consumption of my brother and sister chickens."

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: WHAT SHOULD U.S. AMBASSADOR DAN ROONEY BE WORKING ON?

13% - Severe economic problems in Ireland
87% - Severe offense problems for Steelers

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: WEEK 15

Winners: Mike Wallace, Emmanual Sanders, and that's about it

Losers: Special teams, the offense, Flozell Adams, Ben Roethlisberger

MOCKINGBURGH QUIZ: MATCH THE RIGHT CAPTION WITH THE RIGHT PHOTO!

a) Brilliant player, but an even better man

b) Jagoff

JETS STILL UNCERTAIN WHO WILL TAKE OVER STRENGTH, CONDITIONING, AND TRIPPING RESPONSIBILITIES

BAKERY STIRS CONTROVERSY WITH SAME-SEX GINGERBREAD PACKAGES

"They're just cookies, not a political statement," owner says

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: WEEK 14

Winners: DEE-FENSE, DEE-FENSE, DEE-FENSE
Also, Mike Wallace

Losers: The offense, everyone called for holding, Ben Roethlisberger

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: DO YOU ACCEPT TROY POLAMALU'S APOLOGY?

After the Bengals game, Polamalu said: "First and foremost, I'd like to apologize for that play at the end of the game. It was incredibly arrogant and selfish and foolish of me." Our question: Do you accept his apology?

13% - Hell yes
87% - We are not worthy to pass judgment on him

LOCAL RABBIT NO LONGER JUST PLAYING DEAD

"It was a funny picture until it came true," owner sobs

AVIARY OFFICIALS BEG HOCKEY PENGUINS TO KEEP WINNING

"The penguins definitely have been in a better mood since the team started winning," zookeeper says, "and better moods means more mating."

NORTH SIDE - The fate of the endangered African penguin may rest on the shoulders of their on-skate namesakes, National Aviary officials said today, noting that improved mood may lead to mating activities.

The aviary is among the nation's leaders in trying to preserve the critically endangered species, but has not had any births in 57 years. Recently, however, there have been signs that the penguins are getting ready to try. Chief zookeeper Stan Sorro attributes the change to the Penguins' recent winning streak.

"Let's face it, we're all in better moods when the Steelers and Penguins are winning," he said. "But our penguins are even more invested in Mario [Lemieux's] Penguins. When they were stinkin' up the joint, my birds were in a foul mood - no pun intended. The males were just sittin' around, and the females were complaining about them."

But once the Penguins went on a ten-game winnng streak, everything changed. "Suddenly, everybody's cheering up and getting together at various watering holes to watch the games," Sorro continued. "The females are talking about naming their kids Marc-Andre. If the Pens could keep winning for the next three or four weeks, it'd help us out a lot."

Sorro believes the players could help in at least one additional way. "It would be really great if Sidney Crosby would visit their den," Sorro said. "They'd be so excited to see him I bet they'd be knocking flippers as soon as he left."

CITY EMERGENCY ROOMS OVERWHELMED BY STEELERS FANS

Thousands sickened after reading Post-Gazette's description of setting a broken nose and the snapping sound it makes

NUMBER OF FAKE PRESENTS IN FAKE SLEIGHS UP 2.8% FROM LAST YEAR

Dept. of Labor calls it a sign of continuing improvement in economy

NFL INDENTIFIES LEAGUE OFFICIAL CHARGED WITH WATCHING FOR FOULS COMMITTED ON STEELERS

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: WEEK 13

Winners: Troy Polamalu, Sushi

Losers: Bryan McFadden, an offense that can't score from the 2-yard line, Ben Roethlisberger

NFL TO OFFER HARRISON AUTOMATIC PAYROLL DEDUCTION

"By having his fines withheld pre-tax, James can experience significant savings," commissioner's spokesman says