GREAT MILK COMES FROM HAPPY COWS. AND CALIFORNIA COWS ARE PRACTICALLY GLOWING!

SHOCKING POST-GAZETTE POLL SHOWS ONLY 82% THINK HINES WARD IS BEST DANCER ON 'DANCING WITH THE STARS'

"When Ralph Macchio goes across the middle to catch passes against the Ravens, then maybe I'll think about voting for him," one angry Steelers fan says. "I don't think he'd be doing much dancing after that."

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: WHY DID HINES WARD DANCE LAST ON 'DANCING WITH THE STARS'?

87% - Saving the best for last

13% - ABC was goosing the ratings by keeping Steelers Nation tuned in

RETIREES WHO MOVED TO SOUTH CAROLINA FLEEING BACK TO PA

"The brochures all talked about golfing and the beach, but they didn't mention the giant flying cockroaches," woman complains

BEARS SCOFF AT 'NOT IN MY BACKYARD' ATTITUDE AMONG PENNSYLVANIANS

"In case you haven't noticed, there's a lot of good stuff in your backyard," local bruin says

SOUTH PARK - Pennsylvania's bears are expanding their range and are becoming more suburban, leading to concerns among state residents that they may appear in local backyards.

Since the early 1980's, Pennsylvania's bear population has quadrupled, and the bears are expanding their range south and west. At the same time, a poll by a hunting and fishing group shows that up to 74% of Pennsylvanians are OK with bears in their township or county, so long as they do not wander through their personal property.

"OK, so let's think this through," said a young bear who gave his name only as Bobby. "I'm supposed to be in your area for entertainment value or to add atmosphere, but you expect me to skip the buffet laid out in backyards? Really?

"In case you haven't noticed, there's a lot of good stuff in your backyard," Bobby said. "Bird seed is great, but we just love trash day. Even though we find your diets absolutely appalling, we appreciate all the fats you throw out. A lot of you people need to switch to more grains and fruits. Of course, we'd eat that too, so we'll still show up even if you eat better. I apologize in advance for the mess I'm gonna make, though."

Bobby suspects there may be one additional reason for Pennsylvanians' unease with bears. "The Game Commission says we're smarter than the average dog," the bear said. "I think that's the real reason people don't want us around. They don't want Fido's self-esteem to suffer."

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF KEVIN CORREIA BEING OPENING DAY PITCHER ON APRIL 1?

13% - Joke's on him

87% - Joke's on fans

BATH FITTER DENIES BEING A CULT

"We're not the only people who pray to the porcelain goddess," spokesman says

TOMLIN RECEIVES TRUCKLOAD OF LEMONS; VOWS TO MAKE LEMONADE

"That's our mentality in Pittsburgh," coach says

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: WHAT DID YOU THINK OF HINES WARD ON 'DANCING WITH THE STARS'?

87% - AWESOME

13% - He didn't really need to remind us about the Super Bowl loss

OBAMA CUTS SOUTH AMERICAN TRIP SHORT TO DEAL WITH NCAA BRACKET MESS

PENNSYLVANIA, MAINE PREPARE FOR WAR OVER WHOOPIE PIE DESIGNATION

Militias form as Maine moves to claim the lard-filled pie as official state dessert

LANCASTER - Fears of a new Civil War mounted today as Maine moved to name the whoopie pie as the official state dessert. The Keystone State claims the cake-and-cream combo originated in Pennsylvania Dutch country in the 1800's, not in Maine.

Holding a sign that read, 'Give Me Whoopie or Give Me Death,' 21-year-old Josh Graupera of Lancaster vowed to defend the state's rights. "They're crazy if they think they came up with it," Graupera said. "It's not for nothing they were named the dumbest state," he said, referring to TIME Magazine's 'Why Your State Sucks' list, which ranked Maine first in stupidity. "We will fight them until they say 'uncle,' even though it'll be hard to know what they are saying with that stupid accent of theirs. This confectionary larceny will not stand."

Maine partisans were equally fiery. "We will not surrender to that den of inequity to our south," said Maine representative Donald Pilon. "And do you think we're afraid of a bunch of Quakers? Hell no! I don't think they even have the guts to fight. We will pelt them with blueberries and lobsters until they run away screaming."

Through a spokesman, Hillary Clinton declined to get involved in the dispute at Maine's request, pointing out that the State Department generally does not deal with issues among the fifty states.

COKE, DIET COKE NOW THE TOP TWO SOFT DRINKS IN THE COUNTRY

"The surprising thing isn't that a diet soda is now number two," says a beverage industry analyst. "I think most people are surprised that Fanta actually comes in at number ten."

IMMEDIATE CRISIS PASSES, BUT LONG-TERM WORRIES REMAIN

Yes, Sidney Crosby is skating again!

DROWNING OF CALIFORNIA MAN TAKING TSUNAMI PICTURES TO BE CLASSIFIED AS 'DEATH BY STUPIDITY'

SURVEY OF AMERICAN PETS SHOWS MOST ANIMALS BELIEVE THEY HAVE 'TOTALLY SNOWED' THEIR OWNERS

"They give us what we want when we want it, and we are laughing at them the entire time," spokescat says

LOS ANGELES - Pets believe that they control their households and are only slightly worried about Americans catching on to the situation, according to a new poll from Blogger! Public Media.

"Overall, and across all species, animals believe they have the upper hand," said pollster Terri Madonna. "It's not an unexpected result - when people are catering to all your needs and you don't have to do anything other than look and act cute, you're going to think you're in charge."

Animals concur. Aggie, a white golden retriever, moved into her new home just a few weeks ago. "My so-called owner expected me to sleep by his fireplace while he worked, but I don't want to. Did he send me away? No! Not only do I go where I want, I have my toys all over the place, too. He is so gullible."

According to the poll, cats are most contemptuous of owners, as are many dogs. But only a bare majority of rabbits feel secure in their homes. "We're prey, so we always assume the worst," said Penny, a brown bunny in a Pennsylvania home. "I'm pretty sure I hit the bunny jackpot with my owner, but I keep testing her anyway. I wake her up at 5:00 am, I bite her every so often, and she still brings me nice salads and treats. I know I should be grateful, but I can't help but think she must be a little bit stupid. I know I wouldn't put up with her if the roles were reversed."

PITTSBURGH SHRINKS BY 8%

City says measurement shouldn't have been taken in cold weather

CONTINENTAL AIRLINES PROMOTES PITTSBURGH PASSENGER TO MAINTENANCE SUPERVISOR AFTER CLOGGED TOILET INCIDENT

"He had a plunger, so that put him way ahead of our own guys," spokeswoman says

PITTSBURGH INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - A passenger on a flight from Pittsburgh to Houston was unexpectedly promoted to maintenance supervisor today, and immediately began repairs on a clogged toilet onboard the aircraft. Rick Stouffer had been editor of Gas Business Briefing prior to his new job.

"The lavatory in the first-class section became clogged," said spokeswoman Mary Clark said. "For some reason, and I'm really afraid to ask why, Mr. Stouffer had a plunger in his carry-on luggage. And he said he had experience with gas. We offered him a job, and he got right to work on it."

Airline personnel usually use other means to repair toilets. "Lavs are highly technical," says Elle Dolen, an independent safety expert based in Phoenix. "Maintenance crews usually use a piece of equipment nicknamed ' the rodeo' instead of an ordinary plunger. He took a real chance doing it differently, but you can't argue with success. Plus it was low-risk --- a broken toilet isn't likely to bring down an airliner and turn it into a smokin' hole in the ground."

But maintenance crew members aren't as impressed. "OK, he got lucky with the toilet," said Pittsburgh-based mechanic Jack Dammer. "But then we got a report of a malfunctioning engine, and Stouffer was nowhere to be found. I guess he doesn't know as much as he thinks he does."

NFL, PLAYERS' UNION AGREE TO EXTEND NEGOTIATIONS ONE WEEK

Both sides take a page from Congressional playbook and kick the can down the road

SIX-MONTH INVESTIGATION REVEALS LINK BETWEEN MAGAZINE EMPLOYEES AND CRIME

"A lot of our employees' violations were traffic-related," a spokesman for Sports Illustrated says. "You can't really count those, even though we did for the college football teams."

NEW YORK - A new report from Blogger! News lists 25 media organizations with police activity among employees. The report comes on the heels of Sports Illustrated and CBS News' six-month investigation of crimes committed by college football athletes.

Among those listed is the sports magazine. "Well, you can't really lump everything together, like we did," SI spokesman Shane Katane said today. "We have thousands of employees; only a small number had violations; and most of those were not serious."

SI and CBS News investigated 2,837 players, and found 277 incidents. Of those, fewer than 40% were for serious offenses. When one reporter pointed out the parallels between the media organizations' records and the football programs' records, Katane declined to comment. When asked if the magazines and television networks did background checks on employees, as suggested for football players in the article, the spokesman stormed off.

"I guess they don't like it when the tables are turned," said Blogger! News executive editor Robert Brenneman. "Of course, that just makes us want to investigate more. We're going to go out and find a few news people with serious incidents and play them up in a future article," he said. "I'm betting they won't like it, but it'll sell, and that's what counts."

RONALD MCDONALD BEING EASED OUT; FACES DIFFICULTY IN FINDING NEW CAREER

Employment experts advise him to update resume, dress more conservatively



NEW YORK - As McDonald's changes its menu and public image, one employee in particular has found himself being marginalized. Ronald McDonald, who has been the public face of the restaurant chain for years, is rarely seen today. A corporate spokesman confirms that McDonald is still employed, and that "he is a valued member of our team."

Still, job coaches think he should not sit around and wait to see what happens. "When employees see that they are not getting the good projects anymore or are not being promoted, the tendency is for them to keep their heads down and try not to be noticed," says Susan Messner, an employment consultant in St. Louis. "That's the wrong approach.

"Ronald hasn't been in a commercial in a long time. That's a sign they don't see him as a long-term contributor," Messner says. She advises Mr. McDonald to update his resume as soon as possible. "Granted, his work experience is a little thin - he's 48 years old and he's basically had one entry-level job in his entire life. It'd be better for him to create a targeted resume that emphasizes his skills in acting, public relations, and walking around in gigantic shoes."

Jack Dammer, another job coach, said McDonald needs to update, and tone down, his look. "That ketchup-and-mustard color scheme just doesn't work in today's job market," he said. "He should get a nice tailored suit in a neutral color with a conservative shirt and tie. And he should definitely lose the make-up and re-think that hair color. I don't think even Wal-Mart would hire him to be a greeter with his current look."

If all else fails, Dammer says, McDonald has two options. "If they let him go, I'm sure he could collect unemployment," he said. "But since he's over 40 years old, he's part of a protected class. He's got a shot at claiming they let him go because of his age. It never hurts to consult an attorney."

WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH SAYS SAMUEL ALITO IS GOING TO HELL

Supreme Court Justice was the only one to vote against church in a First Amendment case; a spokesman said, "Justice Alito isn't surprised, since they had already said he was going to Hell for being Catholic."

STATE STORE CLEARANCE SALE CAUSES OVERAGE DRINKING BINGE

MOCKINGBURGH POLL: WHAT DO YOU FEAR MOST IN NEW 'DANCING WITH THE STARS' SEASON?

13% - Seeing Hines Ward in sequins

87% - Seeing Kirstie Alley shake it

GADDAFI REMAINS NO. 1 IN WORLD CRAZY RANKINGS

Libyan dictator gets 68 of 80 first-place votes; Charlie Sheen moves up sixteen spots to No. 2 this week