ZILES JEWELERS INTRODUCES 'CHEATING HEARTS' COLLECTION

"It's perfect for pro athletes and other men who need to make amends," Ziles president says

NEW YORK --- Ziles Jewelers announced today the launch of a new, high-priced jewelery line aimed at men who have cheated on their wives. Company president Bob Brenneman introduced the collection at a packed press conference.
"We've always focused on the romance market and diamond engagement rings," Brenneman said. "But then we thought --- what happens after the wedding? What about all those men who cheat? It's a market with almost untapped potential."
Brenneman admitted that accusations of cheating by high-profile athletes and politicians was the impetus for the collection. "Clearly those kinds of guys have all kind of money, and their wives are used to the good life," the company president said. "These women aren't going to be mollified by one carat."
Prices for the collections start at $500,000. Items include 'The Vanessa,' a five-carat rock that "costs as much as a house," Brenneman joked. "And we're also working on 'The Ellin,' which doesn't have a price yet, but it's going to be substantial."

WOODLAND SECURITY RAISES TERROR ALERT LEVEL TO "RED"

Officials picking up increased chatter and surveillance; all deer advised to be vigilant

NRC SAYS 'UNUSUAL EVENT' AT BEAVER VALLEY JUST A "FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO GAIN ATTENTION"

Western PA plant has long been jealous of Three Mile Island's fame, regulators say

SHIPPINGSPORT - Investigators say a minor leak at a power plant on Tuesday was just part of ongoing tension between the Commonwealth's nuclear facilities.
The leak came three days after a radiation release at Three Mile Island near Harrisburg. TMI shot to international fame in 1979 after a partial meltdown in one of its reactors. That left the older plant feeling left behind.
"Clearly, there are some issues between these two," psychologist Bob Brenneman of Associates in Counseling said today. "It's no coincidence that Beaver Valley acted out right after TMI started getting national attention again. And it's significant that it was Beaver Valley #2 that caused the problem. There's probably some feelings of inadequacy there."
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission says the public was never in danger in either incident, but that they are closely monitoring the situation. "We're going to recommend that Beaver Valley take some anger management classes," NRC Director Michael Wehr said. "The last thing we want is for him to have a complete meltdown."

TOMLIN TELLS SPECIAL TEAMS COACH TO GO BACK TO WATCHING AND SENDING PORN

"Bob isn't that great at sending porn to the right people," the head coach said today, noting Ligashesky's email to the NFL league offices two years ago. "But it's better than letting him try to coach."

INVISIBLE FENCE CONTRACTOR APOLOGIZES FOR ERRONEOUSLY PUTTING FENCES AT HEINZ FIELD'S 10-YARD LINES

"Our guy was supposed to go to Heinz Place in Fox Chapel, not Heinz Field," supervisor Bob Brenneman says. "Turns out the Steelers were getting zapped every time they were close to the endzone last Sunday."

KING FRIDAY'S BIRTHDAY BASH MARRED BY FIGHT OUTSIDE CLUB

LAS VEGAS -- A fight outside Heaven nightclub on the Strip led to one person being hospitalized and five arrests late last night. The club was hosting a birthday party for King Friday the 13th of the Kingdom of Make-Believe when the fight occured.
Las Vegas Police Chief Paul Chwastyk said the fight broke out after an unnamed individual "disrespected" Lady Elaine Fairchilde, a longtime friend of King Friday's. "From what I understand, the King's friends were just hanging out and chilling," Chwastyk said. "Then someone said something to X the Owl, and he got all bent out of shape, and the bouncers threw both of them out."
Fifty Cent, who was the featured entertainer, said he had never seen such violence. "I've been shot a couple of times, but that fight scared the hell out of me," Mr. Cent said. "Owls got some kind of feet on them. I beat it out of there."
Daniel "Striped" Tiger received a talon wound to the stomach when he tried to break up the fight. "He was very brave," Chief Chwastyk said. "Stupid, but brave."
Tiger is expected to make a full recovery and return to Make-Believe after his release from the hospital. X the Owl remains in custody. King Friday and the rest of his entourage left Vegas in the middle of the night, and declined to comment.

BEARS HOPE IMPROVED DEFENSE WILL PREVAIL IN SHOWDOWN WITH STATE'S HUNTERS

HARRISBURG --- When the Pennsylvania Bears face the Keystone Hunters later this month, the Bears are hoping improved defense will keep the game competitive.
The Bears have a history of losing badly. But after the debacle of the 2005 season, in which they lost 4,164 to zero, team management decided on wholesale changes. A new coach was hired, and a new emphasis was put on defense.
"With all due respect,I think the Bears had gotten a little soft prior to 2005," head coach Dick LeBear said today. "I've tried to instill in them a sense of defending every blade of grass. Plus we drafted some big guys out of Monroe County, and we've got some very skilled players downfield."
One of those skilled players is Troy Pawamalu, who had to sit out two seasons with a leg injury. "He's awesome," fellow player James Furrier says. "When God made him, He touched him a couple more times than the rest of us. He is the heart and soul of the team."
"Realistically, we're not going to score a lot of offensive points," LeBear said. "Two years ago, we had one player manage to reach out and get a Hunter's family jewels, but that's the only two-point play we've ever scored. Some people might call him a dirty player for that, but that's a Hall of Fame move in my book." LeBear noted that since that player 'retired' only two years ago, he still has several more years before he will be eligible for the Hall.
"The defense will have to carry us. We don't want to be like the Lions," LeBear says. "I mean the Detroit Lions -- real lions are actually pretty competitive."

REED SMITH TO CUT SALARIES FOR NEW LAWYERS

Male associates to get $110,00; women to get 21% less

MAYOR PROPOSES SELLING NAMING RIGHTS TO CITY'S RIVERS

PITTSBURGH --- In an effort to lift Pittsburgh out of the "distressed" city category, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl plans to sell the naming rights to the city's rivers for tens of millions of dollar. Ravenstahl made the proposal before a packed City Council Chamber during his 2010 budget address.

"Let's face it, very few people can actually say 'Monongahela,' let alone spell it," the mayor said today. " I suggest we give local corporations and individuals the opportunity to re-name the river for a ten- or twenty-year period in exchange for a sizable fee. Something like 'UPMC River' just rolls right off the tongue," Ravenstahl said, although the mayor quickly added that he had not received any inquiries from the hospital system.

"The Allegheny River probably won't bring as much --- it's always the last one you think of when you list the three of them. But my administration believes it could be a great opportunity for a smaller company to really raise their profile in the community."

Marketing expert Robert Brenneman is unsure the plan will work. "Naming rights have been very lucrative in the sports world, but not many cities have tried this," Brenneman said. "There could be a backlash. People are used to those names, and they might not want to switch."

Ravenstahl said he has already anticipated the possible problem of renaming the Ohio River, since it continues into other states. "Instead of re-naming it, we will market it as, 'The Ohio River, as presented by [your name here].'"