PEPPER THE CAT CLAIMS VICTORY IN CANCELLATION OF 'DOWNWARD DOG'

 "I kept telling him no one liked him," Martin's nemesis says


PITTSBURGH - ABC cancelled production of the Pittsburgh-based comedy 'Downward Dog' today, ending a short-lived run. Although human fans of the show were disappointed, one cat was not.

Pepper, a free-roaming cat who frequently annoyed Martin, exulted in the news today. "He must have sniffed a lot of rear ends to even get on TV," the tabby said today. "I knew he couldn't carry an entire show. He's just not that interesting. He sleeps 14 hours a day and is proud of that."

"He thinks he's one of the great minds of his generation, but he was too dopey to realize they didn't even put him on until summer," Pepper said. "That's when networks burn off shows. Personally, I think ABC made a mistake from the get-go by making a dog the star of a show instead of a more superior creature like me."

Martin declined comment about Pepper's remarks, and would only repeat his view that Pepper is a terrorist. Martin's agent said the dog hopes to be adopted into one of the 'This Is Us' families so he can stay in Pittsburgh.

MOCKINGBURGH SURVEY: THE PENGUINS WIN THE STANLEY CUP

On Sunday, the Penguins won the Stanley Cup by defeating the Nashville Predators in Game 6. What do you think about this?

13% - I'm glad I lived to see to it, because they were killing me

87% - We had 'em all the way

MAYOR ADD REST OF THE ALPHABET TO 'LGBTQIA' TO COVER ALL POSSIBILITIES

PITTSBURGH - Mayor Bill Peduto announced today that his LGBTQIA inclusion panel will be re-named. Speaking at the city's Pride Festival, Peduto said that the group will now be known as LGBTQIACMXEZKDSOVWHFRPJNU.
   "I don't know how to pronounce it," the mayor quipped. "But once we added the 'I' and 'A,' I thought, what if someone identifies as Confused? Or Dumbfounded? I would feel horrible if we excluded anybody and hurt their feelings."
     Noting that New York City recognizes 37 different gender identities, they mayor said the new designation may not be broad enough. "We'll see how this goes before we start adding symbols or emojis. But we can't be too sensitive on this topic."
   Peduto also pointed out that marketing opportunities exist within the new name. "We have VW together; maybe Volkswagen will want to show how roomy their cars are to accommodate a lot of people. And 'KD' is together so the TV station can still use 'You're in KD Country.' Who wouldn't want to be involved in this?"