PIRATES FIRE WINNING MINOR-LEAGUE MANAGER

Losing major-league manager not in jeopardy, team says

US SUPREME COURT TO HEAR ANNA NICOLE SMITH CASE AGAIN

Voting for hearing the case: Justices Roberts, Scalia, Kennedy, Thomas, Breyer and Alito
Voting against hearing: Justices Ginsburg, Sotomayor, Kagan

JIMMY CARTER HOSPITALIZED

Doctors say upset stomach due to repeatedly putting foot in mouth last week

STEELERS FANS FLOODING NFL COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE WITH PHONE CALLS AFTER 3-0 START

87% of callers asking Goodell to reinstate Roethlisberger's suspension to six games

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: WEEK 3

Winners: Charlie Batch, Rashard Mendenhall, Charlie Batch, Mike Wallace, Charlie Batch

Loser: Ben Roethlisberger

ZUCCHINI TO BE OUTLAWED DURING BEAR SEASON

HARRISBURG -- The Pennsylvania Game Commission will meet in emergency session to outlaw the use of zucchini and other types of squash in the upcoming bear hunting season.

The action comes after a Montana woman chased off a bear that had attacked one of her dogs by throwing a zucchini at the animal's head. Almost immediately, hunting message boards lit up with suggestions on the best size and throwing techniques to use to bring down one of Pennsylvania's estimated 17,000 bears.

"We know a lot of guys are frustrated when they don't harvest a bear," Game Commission Dan Feeser said today. "But this is not the way to go. You're more likely to simply wound a bear with a zucchini instead of kill it. Even if you follow up with a pumpkin, you're just going to piss him off. We strongly recommend the use of ammo, and lots of it."

Local hunter Bill Cross doesn't think much of the Game Commission's ban. "This is a group [the Game Commission] that approved atlatls," Cross said. Atlatls are an ancient hunting weapon used by Neanderthals to hunt wooly mammoths. "Basically, that's a board with a spike in it. Those we're allowed to fling, but you can't let a zucchini fly? It's crazy."

"Maybe we'd get some vegetarians involved in hunting if they could use zucchinis," Cross says. "Well, maybe not vegetarians so much. But maybe some of those folks who want to go green with everything."

STEELERS SEEM INTENT ON KILLING OFF THEIR OLDER FANS

EDITORIAL - We here at Mockingburgh love the Steelers. They're tough, and they've won six Super Bowls. But they have fallen into the very bad habit of making their games too close for comfort.

The 2010 season is just two games old, but they've already had to win in overtime after scoring only three field goals in regulation against Atlanta, and then they had to hold off a furious late rally by the Titans in the second game. That came about because they couldn't convert seven turnovers into a whole bunch of points.

We'd like to remind the Steelers that Allegheny County has the second-oldest population in the country. Your elderly fans can't take the continued stress of these close games, a trend that started last year. While you could make the argument that at least we're winning, what good is that if all your fans had heart attacks in the process?

Please do us a favor and score a couple of touchdowns next week, so we can sit back in the second half and relax a little. Those of us with elderly parents, plus the local EMT's and emergency room doctors, would appreciate it.

And please don't ask us to wait for the game against Cleveland - we all know how that turned out last year.

ITRR RELEASES REDACTED REPORT FOR WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 20

SUGGESTED PHRASES FOR 'TALK LIKE A PIRATE' DAY

"We're in a rebuilding year"
"We can't just throw money at players"

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: WEEK 2

Winners: Dick LeBeau, James Harrison, Troy Polamalu, curse of the Terrible Towel

Losers: Will Allen, Ben Roethlisberger

LOCAL PRESERVATIONISTS VOW TO STOP RAZING OF 12-HOUR PARK

Rob Pfaffmann claims space will just be used for parking for foreseeable future

PINK PIG RELIEVED TO KNOW HE'S NO LONGER A TARGET

"Those ITRR guys gave me the creeps," porcine symbol says

HARRISBURG - A 25-foot pink pig, Pennsylvanian symbol of government reform since 2005's infamous legislative pay raise, said today that he is ready to get back to work exercising his First Amendment rights after being tracked by PA Homeland Security.

Last week, it was revealed that International Terrorism Research and Response (ITRR)had been monitoring environmental groups and other peaceful organizations, including the pig and his handlers. Governor Ed Rendell then put an end to the tracking and ITRR's contract with Homeland Security, saying, "The pig was not a threat."

"Most of all, I'm relieved," the pig said today. "Those ITRR guys are crazy. Anytime you've got ex-cops from York and Philly, you just have to expect they're going to be thugs. And James Powers [PA Homeland Security Director] is no prize, either. Apparently he's gone 'whee, whee, whee' all the way home, because now, all of a sudden, no one can find him."

"I've been hoofing it all over the state trying to reform state government. I thought I'd be retired and rolling in mud by now, but I'll keep working for the people of the Commonwealth for as long as it takes."

The porker said he's felt targeted before. "Before Rendell lost weight, he'd look at me and make slicing motion, and that put a chill down my spine," he said. "But these guys are way, way worse. They're trying to chill free speech."

STEELER FANS SECRETLY HOPE TITANS WILL ABUSE THE TERRIBLE TOWEL BEFORE NEXT SUNDAY'S GAME

SOUTH SIDE -- When Titans running back LenDale White stomped the Terrible Towel in a December 12, 2008 game in Nashville, Steelers fans nationwide were outraged. Now some who saw the towel's retribution for that act hope the Titans will do it again before next Sunday.
"Myron [Cope] created the Towel as a force for good," longtime fan Karenna Kern said today from Froggy's Bar. "But he also said the Towel is poised to strike, and that's what I'd like to see."
Fans of the NFL remember that the Titans finished that season with a 13-3 record, and had secured home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Yet they lost to the Ravens in the first round; the Steelers then beat the Ravens and ultimately won their sixth Super Bowl that year.
Likewise, White has had difficulty. He was traded to the Seahawks and then cut from the roster, spending a year on the practice squad. Although he signed a two-year contract with Denver this year, he tore an Achilles tendon before the first game and will miss the entire 2010 season.
"I don't think it's a coincidence that bad things happened to the Titans after that, and I'm pretty sure I speak for all Steelers fans when I say they richly deserved it. But I'm a little worried about this coming game."
"Let's face it, the Steelers beat Atlanta, but they didn't do much on offense," Kern continued. "We're gonna need more than three field goals to beat them. If the Towel could take a beatdown for us before next Sunday, we'd all appreciate it. It'd be even better if Chris Johnson could be the one applying the beatdown."

GQ NAMES TOMLIN 'COOLEST' COACH

NEW YORK --- The editors of GQ Magazine admitted today that they erred when they failed to include Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin in their 2010 NFL Preview.
"We published brilliant ideas to improve the game, came up with FrankenStud, and even interviewed Dononvan McNabb, of all people," editor Jim Nelson said today. "But somehow we forgot to include cool."
Nelson explains why Tomlin deserves the honor. "First of all, he's got the classic aviator sunglasses. He calls his players 'men.' And when an interviewer told him some Steeler ex-coaches were on the opposite sideline, he said, 'I don't care if my mother is on the other sideline.' Some people might think that's cold, but to us it's the epitome of cool."
But what really put Tomlin over the top with GQ was the season's first game with the Falcons. "Both coaches were trying to ice the other side's kicker. The guy for Atlanta [head coach Mike Smith] was running around, making a big 'T' sign with his hands. And then he ends up pulling a hammy later."
"Mike, on the other hand -- and I think he'd be cool with my calling him by his first name --- is wearing all black, has his arms folded across his chest, and all he does is say, "Time out" to the official next to him. He didn't even bother turning his head. That sent a chill down our collective spine."
There is one thing Nelson would tweak on Tomlin, though. "It'd be better if he wore flat-front pants instead of pleats," Nelson said. "He might want to re-think that choice before our 2011 season preview."

STEELERS WINNERS AND LOSERS: WEEK 1

Winners: Hines Ward, Troy Polamalu
Loser: Ben Roethlisberger

'STAND UP TO CANCER' TELETHON LEADS TO 'LIE DOWN FOR MOTION SICKNESS'

Millions sickened by constantly-moving graphics

TOM BRADY UNHURT IN CAR ACCIDENT

"We thought he might have whiplash because his hair was all forward," one EMT reports, "But he said it always looks like that."

13,666 CONCERTGOERS SURRENDER SOULS TO LADY GAGA

Ticket refunds expected to take 4-6 weeks

HEINZ FIELD GRASS SAYS IT'S READY FOR NEW SEASON

NORTH SHORE - After several years of lackluster performance, the grass field at the Steelers' stadium says it's ready for a grueling season ahead.
Since the stadium opened, the field has consistently been at the bottom of NFL player opinion polls. That all ends now, vows a single blade of grass at the 31-yard line.
"We were average at best last year, just like the Steelers," the spokesblade said today. "But we got a lot of new guys in, and we had a pretty grueling summer. Those who weren't committed burned out pretty quickly."
When reminded of the infamous Dolphins-Steelers game, during which a punted ball got stuck in the field, the grass cringed slightly. "When it came to special teams, half the guys didn't really want to be out there. I don't want to point a finger, especially since I don't have one. But we have a new coach and a new attitude. Some of the guys get all painted up for game day, but that's not my style. I just go out and do my job, kinda like the linemen."
"All of us were thrilled to make the final cut."

MOCKINGBURGH QUIZ: MATCH THE PHOTOS WITH THE RIGHT CAPTIONS!

a) Hair worth $1 million dollars
b) Hair uninsurable